Here's a photo of my oldest daughter Katie running across the Las Vegas Marathon finish line. She met me at mile 24 and dragged me home!
I am a full-fledged, card-carrying germaphobe. No, that is not some new right wing political group, it is a person that fears being attacked and conquered by ever present microscopic beasties. Now you may find this odd coming from a physician. I have spent the last twenty years of my life in the constant company of bacillus, pneumococcus, spirochetes, and other associated bacteria, so you would assume that I would be somewhat immune to their presence. Physiologically speaking, I probably am. My antibodies (those PacMan-like cells in the body that eat up germs) are probably muscle- bound bullies, kicking sand in the face of any weakling cocci. But psychologically, I am like a groveling, fearful puppy facing the wrath of his master after chewing up his favorite channel changer. I picture someone with a cold as a modern day typhoid Mary, spreading their cold germs faster than the herpes virus at a Britney Spears concert. I realize that this is an irrational fear, but too much information has once again fueled my neurosis. Everyone has seen that disgusting video of the man sneezing in slow motion. This was the same film in high school health class that taught us that oral hygiene is next to godliness and burning when you winkle is not a good thing. This particular stop action sneeze gave the impression you were watching this poor guy's head explode. He looked like his head was a lawn sprinkler shooting water out with enough force to knock you over, only this was infectious laded mucous droplets.
Not long ago I watched a TV special on germs in the environment. It was titled something like: The Happy Travelers Guide to Influenza, and it scared me to death. I think I could go through the rest of my life and never know that a doorknob contains 200,000 bacteria per square inch! Do you know how hard it is to turn a slippery knob wearing gloves!
Are you getting the picture yet?
The next scene showed the host walking into a randomly selected three-star hotel room after it had been freshly "cleaned" by their supurb cleaning crew. He proceeded to dim the lights in the room and brought out a special black light apparatus designed to highlight any dirt, stains, mold, mildew and various other yuckies. He showered the room with the special light and it lit up like Christmas in Times Square! There was stuff on top of stuff- and this was a freshly cleaned room! I have decided to sleep in the parking lot of the next hotel I visit. It appears that it will be cleaner!
In an attempt to indoctrinate my unsuspecting children in to my obsessional nightmare, (how's that for a compassionate parent) I convinced my youngest daughter to do her science fair project on bacteria found on common household items. I realize that this alone may be grounds for police intervention, but I was under the delusion that it would be educational. She tested several common household items, a fork, light switch, TV channel changer, toilet handle, etc. To my great chagrin the item that hosted the greatest germ menagerie was the TV remote. There were more bugs on that thing than in the Watergate hotel. The only lesson that my daughter gleaned from this project was that dad can no longer enjoy his genetically-ordained male right to channel surf. Just thinking of the hoards of bacteria being crushed at every button push was too much to endure.
In reality, I guess it is okay for a doc to be somewhat concerned about germs, especially the bad ones. My wife has made me vow not to catch every disease I am exposed to as I did when I initially studied them in medical school. (This is an interesting phenomenon in medical students in that many experience symptoms of diseases that they are learning about at the time. I was the only guy in my class to suffer morning sickness during my obstetrics rotation). I have developed some pretty basic guidelines for helping patients avoid catching and spreading colds.
First, wash your hands - all the time. Just spend some time in any public restroom and you will be shocked at how many leave without doing this.
Second, boost your immune system. Take appropriate anti-oxidants (Vitamin C, E, B-complex) and eat a healthy diet.
Third, don't obsess! Most bacteria and germs are actually good for you. God designed a miraculous system whereby we can live together with out microscopic friends in perfect harmony (like ebony and ivory).
Fourth, never, ever go to a Britney Spears concert!
