You want me to squirt water where??

 

Have you ever heard the old saying, “A douche a day keeps the doctor away”? No.  Neither have we because that was uttered by no-one , ever.

As part of my ongoing attempt to inform and entertain, what better topic to tackle than the All- American douche. In fact, douching is not a western construct as it has been around for a very long time. Ancient women across many cultures douched with honey, olive oil, or even wine in an effort to prevent pregnancy. It was common for medieval prostitutes to douche between clients, as venereal diseases were rampant.  The only problem was that the water up the hoohoo trick  didn’t accomplish either.  In some respects, it seems logical that flushing out evil spirits would have a healthy outcome, but as we will see, logic never applies when there is a vagina involved.

Some researchers estimate that 20% of the female population uses a douche periodically.  I think stipulating that it is the female population that this applies to is a bit overkill as any males trying to use this contraption may run into some technical problems.  Today the douche is primarily a tool for “freshness”, kind of like Fabreeze, but historically it was thought of as primarily a contraceptive.  Unfortunately, as we have stated, it was about as effective in this realm as squeezing a penny between your knees. Leave it to the French to design a beautiful apparatus (porcelain even) that allowed a vagina owner to pump fluid into the chasm in an ever so delicate manner.  It was so popular that the Éguisier irrigator remained the staple of cultured women for 70 years.

This next part you may not believe, but it was on the Internet, so it has to be true.  In the early 1900’s Lysol was popularized as the douche of choice.  I don’t know who their marketing director was, but kudos for coming up with another magical use for the disinfectant.  Unfortunately doctors reported 193 poisonings and 5 deaths from Lysol douching before 1911. Women routinely complained of vaginal burning and blisters, though lawsuits were overturned and reports covered up. 

Never admitting fault, Lysol nonetheless changed its formula in 1952 to become a quarter as toxic as before. I can only imagine the late night lawyer infomercials.  “Is your wawa on fire? Call me and get a check!”  I also find it somewhat alarming that the corporate execs didn’t change the formula until the 1950’s.  I’ll bet June Cleaver was a regular Lysol doucher.

So what’s a girl to do?  The medically accepted view of douching (and mine as well) is just say no.  Douching can alter the natural, healthy balance of bacteria and acidity in the vagina, which helps protect the body from infection. The vagina is self-cleaning, like your oven, so let it be free to do its thing.  

If you are compelled to douche by some evil flushing demon, for goodness sakes don’t use a can of Lysol, but get a simple premixed solution of vinegar and water, but know that eating a cup of yogurt may actually do more good.