Let me say at the outset...I am a man. There. It’s out there. So it is obvious I have absolutely no credibility when it comes to gestation. I have never, nor God willing, will ever be pregnant, so me ranting about pregnancy is a bit like Hillary Clinton going on and on about prostatitis (not prostitutes, mind you). Nevertheless, as one who has delivered a gaggle of babies (that’s Latin for a lot) and who has two fruits of my own loins, I feel somewhat qualified to satirize what is for some a glorious and beautiful experience. I hope to not offend those five people who indeed think pregnancy is a breeze, but for the million others I hope this provides some yuks. If you have ever been pregnant, or ever will be pregnant, or ever knew someone pregnant, then hopefully you will find your misplaced sense of humor and enjoy my diatribe.
I must give credit to Heidi Murkoff, the author of the real What to Expect book, as she has given me abundant ammunition or inspiration - it depends on how you view it- to structure this expose. I am using some of the the chapters of her book as a guideline for my rants. It’s the least she can do after selling two gazillion copies while my books only made the bestseller list in Portuguese. Apparently Brazilian women are more interested in hormones than babies!
Chapter One: Before You Conceive Getting pregnant is by far the most fun of the whole enterprise. My advice is simply practice, practice, practice. Practice doesn’t make perfect, as most women will tell you, but it can be more invigorating than, say, cleaning the cat litter box. Now I realize that those of you who have children already are at a grave disadvantage. One, if you have any short term memory left, you would be playing racquetball instead of making another baby. Most of you repeat offenders had your neurons devoted to the birth experience disintegrate moments after giving birth the first time otherwise the world would be filled with only children. This selective amnesia is God’s way of perpetuating the population. An accurate recollection of a previous pregnancy and birth is by far the most effective birth control imaginable, easily surpassing castration and nunnery vows. Once you have perfected the art of shrouding these memories as cloudy, vague remembrances, somewhat akin to the recall of a twelve martini new year’s eve party, then consideration of a second or third child enters into the realm of consciousness. The greatest stumbling block at this point is twofold, desire and opportunity. It is safe to say that in folks with one or more kids, sex drive has generally driven off and not even MapQuest could find it. Libido is a multifaceted drive that is more complex than a quantum physics lecture so trying to give a generalization about cause is like explaining why Brittany Spears is still relevant; it is just not possible.
The three top reasons for a low libido are stress, fatigue, and husbands. Welcome to the world of a mom! I have yet to meet a mom who didn’t dine at the table of stress and then have a big helping of fatigue for dessert. It’s hard to feel like Lolita after 14 hours of diapers, a condescending boss, self generating, undefinable large loads of laundry, and a husband who thinks affection means turning down the TV while making love. At the end of a mom’s average day she is about as frisky as a sloth on Quaaludes, so when Danny the love sponge comes waltzing into the bedroom “bringing sexy back” draped in his worn tighty whities and smelling of coffee and “Polo”, no wonder she doesn’t just ravish him. Guys, get a clue, you have to romance her a bit if you want her to subject herself to another pregnancy. Do something special, like take a shower or floss, before becoming the love machine you ridiculously imagine yourself to be. The second barrier to becoming with child is finding the opportunity to make another little junior. For most couples you only need 1-2 minutes (never mind the movies, we all know the reality here), but even finding this time may be difficult. We at What to Expect recommend an industrial bank vault lock on your bedroom door for starters. In the rare event that either one of you is “in the mood”, it is very likely that within seconds of disrobing little Sally or Johnny will come bouncing through the door, regardless of the time of day or night. It is if they are implanted with a microchip that monitors any change in ambient temperature of your bedroom and if things start heating up their brains unconsciously guide them to your room like a homing pigeon. I suspect it is an evolutionary adaptation to prevent multiple children and maximize the inheritance for the only child. In defense of men who have long sense forgotten the term foreplay, keep in mind that you are looking at a very narrow window of opportunity so any perceived “extras” are subjugated to the “let’s just cut to the chase” rationale. If the padlock idea is not feasible, then having a date night and actually going to a motel may be reasonable. It is important that this be done with your spouse as otherwise it defeats the purpose. Unfortunately most motels that charge by the hour have other drawbacks like a lack running water and working toilets. The motel idea may seem a bit far fetched and expensive to some of you, but it sure beats being accused of “hurting mommie” by your snooping 4 year old. Consider it an investment in marital tranquility as your wife will be so enthralled by the peace and quiet she may actually enjoy herself for once.
Dr.Hiram Sidenstrykersham, famed sexologist and recent parole candidate, states in his numerous scientific studies that, “Libido, or sexual appetite, is as varied among humans as it is in the animal world. I have studied the bull moose extensively and have determined that there are sexually charged moose and frigid moose. They are easily distinguished as the more aggressive moose will belch loudly while rubbing his belly on a nearby tree. This is strikingly similar to the libidinous male human who also will belch and rub his belly on anything nearby.” It should be noted that in most of Dr.Sidenstrykersham’s studies the female moose consistently complains of a headache when approached by said former male moose.There are a few things to think about (besides conception) before becoming pregnant. It is essential to be at an ideal body weight and physically fit. You can stop laughing now. Really...stop it. Being in shape before getting pregnant will reduce the likelihood that you will gain 75 pounds during the pregnancy. You will most likely only gain 70 pounds if you are fit beforehand. It is important that you eat a diet full of fruits, vegetables and tree bark, as that is what most stuff good for you tastes like anyway. Folic acid is a key nutrient that has been shown to reduce the instances of birth defects. Folic acid can be found in such foodstuffs as beans, peas, turnip greens, eggs, liver and kidney. Basically you can kill a chicken and eat it in its entirety, including the liver and kidney , and prevent your baby from having water on the brain. Of course you will probably get hepatitis and terminal diarrhea, but this is just the beginning of the tradeoffs you will make for the baby. Folic acid actually comes from the latin word “folium” which means “leaves that taste lousy”, so "bon-a-petite!" It is a little known trivia fact (at least Wikipedia says so) that folic acid supports healthy sperm, so both you and your sperm donor (i.e. husband) can benefit from supplementing B9 (folate). There’s nothing like atomic sperm to make a cervix happy!
It is generally recommended that you avoid certain foods and medicines while trying to get pregnant. A few that come to mind are cocaine, crank, blow, weed, bennies, Acapulco gold, beasties, happy dust and ecstasy. Also, it is recommended that you limit your alcohol intake. I realize there are a number of Brandys, Jenns (gins), Martins (martini), and Chardonnays (yes, I have seen this!) running around out there and I suspect there may have been alcohol involved someway, somehow, in their conception; yet this is not the recommended approach. While we are on the topic of names, do your baby a favor and don’t get too cute or too “ethnic”. Remember, these kids have to survive middle school where every “Jack Cass” or “Ben Gay” gets beat up every day at lunch, and “Barbie Dahl” and “Ima Hooker” grow up to fulfill their named destiny. Anyway, if you are lucky enough to actually find yourself pregnant, then it’s time to move on to the next chapter. One final bit of advice. Buying eight pregnancy tests will not change the result. Trying to hit that little dot on the stick with your pee that many times will only leave you more frustrated and you will still have the same outcome on test eight as you did on test one.
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