Make Love Not Pancakes

Since the dawn of time, humans have been obsessed with sex.  I suspect it is a good thing as species propagation is somewhat a necessary function, yet the biological functionality and the sensual reality often get blurred.  Putting aside the drive to procreate, the desire for sexual intimacy is about as complex as Neal deGrasse Tyson’s brain.  For centuries man, and yes…it has been mostly men, have searched for the ultimate sex toy…a real aphrodisiac.  The holy grail of sexuality is a substance, ingredient, activity, or state of mind that would enhance a dampened sexual desire, or recreate one that has been long lost.  If you could find and patent such a substance you would have the bucks of Bill Gates and the legacy of Masters and Johnson.

Throughout history, most aphrodisiacs were limited to food and possibly herbs.  I guess since there was no electricity our ancient experimenters couldn’t get too creative.  Some ancient lust enhancers were oysters, skink flesh, and sparrow brains.  It’s not hard to see why oysters may have caught on since the other two don’t sound particularly appealing. “Excuse me a moment my dear while I chug down this sparrow brain.”  Just doesn’t do it for me.  That crazy Greek physician Galen listed a number of foods in his writings as possible aphrodisiacs including carrots, asparagus, anise, mustard, nettles, and sweet peas. I really think he was just trying to make a market for his vegetable garden.

The reasons these substances were thought of as desire deepeners were just as entertaining as the substances themselves.  The oyster was thought to be potent, not due to a double blind placebo controlled study, but because it resembled the female genitalia.  As a professional Gyn I beg to differ, but that’s just my opinion.  

The Mandrake root was labeled as effective for libido and fertility because its shape resembled a woman’s thighs.  Here is a tip for you, don’t ever compare your wife’s thighs to a Mandrake root.  Look it up.  Those things define ugly.

Saint Thomas Aquinas, who I wouldn’t have thought would write about this topic, but did, spoke of meat and wine as enhancing hanky panky.  I can definitely see the wine, but I never thought a lamb chop would put me in the mood.

The fabled Spanish Fly is a real substance derived from blister beetles.  The main ingredient, cantharidin, can irritate genital tissue and for some reason, some Spanish bozo thought it would be a good aphrodisiac.  The only problem is that it doesn’t work and too much can cause renal failure and GI bleeding.  How’s that for dampening the mood!

The bottom line is that there are no foodstuffs that consistently get you in the mood and have been proven to be effective in decent clinical trials.  There are some medications that can address desire issue and sexual dysfunction, but I will save that for another day.

Clinical studies have proven that the best modern day aphrodisiac is a candle, Barry White, and chilled Chardonnay, and it also helps if you are a nice person and love and respect your partner.