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Eaker Family Christmas Letter Circa 2011

It’s been another fascinating and baffling year at the Eaker’s so, because I know you have nothing better to do than spend 20 minutes reading my diatribes instead of bathing your pet squirrel, here is the 2011 edition of the Eaker Christmas Letter, or How to Not Win Friends and Influence People.
We sent our first born to college this year, and for those of you who haven’t experienced this treat, grab your wallets and come on along.
There are certain milestones experienced in life that signify you are getting older. I am steadily racking up these watershed events like an extreme couponer gathering Sunday paper inserts. These touchstones include walking on the beach and discovering you’re wearing black socks with sandals, acknowledging that Metamucil is one of the four food groups, and having 68 pairs of reading glasses stashed throughout the house. The most recent reminder that the grim reaper is salivating over my aging rear end is taking my oldest daughter to college. Katie is my adventuresome child. She sees herself climbing peaks in Nepal, teaching yoga to Native American preschoolers, or snowboarding in Norway, all thanks to a grant from the National Endowment of Daddy. Her two criteria for college were first, it had to be out of the South (“I can’t see myself living out life as a bit part in Steel Magnolias”) and second, it had to be in a big city ( translated in dad speak to high rents, high crime, and high anxiety for parents). After an extensive search and expensive tour she applied to and was accepted at a small liberal arts school in Chicago, home of the White Sox, Bank of America marathon, and the highest coed kidnap and ransom rate in the country ( okay, maybe a bit of an exaggeration on that last one).
We got to Chicago, settled in our hotel room and ventured to the college campus. I had already retrieved a map of campus, not to be efficient but to find out where all the bathrooms were, and it was off to meet the roommate. One of the great shocks I had as a dad, and an older dad to boot, was the number of co-ed dorms on campuses now. In fact, single sex dorms seem to be as popular as liberals at a tent revival meeting, and as rare. There is nothing more comforting to a dad then to walk down the hall of his demure 18 year old’s dorm and come face to towel with a 6 foot 5, 285 pound ex con masquerading as a underclassman linebacker fresh from his weekly shower. He seemed to take it all in stride smiling like a cheshire cat who had just eaten twelve mice. I casually mentioned to the half clothed behemoth that I was a small arms dealer for a Middle East consortium and wondered if he had seen the concealed weapons permit I had dropped somewhere. Times are indeed changing, but not always for the best.
After bumping into Bubba the love behemoth, I cautiously wandered into my daughter’s dorm room apprehensive about what I would find. Pleasantly surprised, and definitely relieved, I found 3 girls, one being her roommate (a female thank God). Her roomie was a Vietnamese native who grew up in Norway and went to boarding school in Sweden and was now making her first trip to the US. I’m not kidding here. I couldn’t have made that up. Her two friends were equally as cosmopolitan as they were from Swaziland (I’m not even sure where Swaziland is!) and Palestine. Boy how times have changed. When I went to college my roommate was a beer gutted, tobacco chewing NASCAR lovin‘ Billy Bob from Bellbuckle, Tennessee. Times are indeed changing, and this time most assuredly for the best.


Soon Katie somewhat unceremoniously hinted that it was time for her mother and I to leave. We knew we would see her the next day so this was not the obligatory mushy goodbye. This was more “I’ve had about enough of parental bonding to last me the whole semester so let me begin to pave my own way” kind of goodbye. The not so subtle hint was appropriately received and Susan and I walked back to our hotel. I noticed that the walk back was much less strenuous than our walk to the college that morning, and I discovered that it was mainly due to my much lighter wallet!
Back at the dorm the following morning it was finally time to say our goodbyes. Katie knew she had to be quick because her mother was a skinny minute from a complete melt down. I on the other hand was a rock solid bastion of stability...Not! Combine the posture of a jelly fish and the composure of Jimmy Swaggert admitting he was smoozing prostitutes and you get a pretty good idea of where I was at. After all, this was my first born, the first fruit of my loins, my genetic legacy, my baby. Of course I shouldn’t have blathered those exact terms to her at that moment as she could only look on in epic embarrassment and vow never to bring us back to college. Somehow we struggled through and she vaulted up the dorm stairs eagerly anticipating the rest of her life, and Susan and I skulked slowly, purposelessly back to the hotel.
Caroline, our youngest paved her own way this year. I have learned many things, such as never say cheerleading without the necessary modifier “competitive cheerleading”. In our house there is a massive distinction between the wimpy sideline stuff (you know, gimme an A ...) versus the intense, demanding, horrifically dangerous sport of death pyramiding some call competitive cheerleading. This sport has a higher injury rate than football and requires 3 hours of makeup application and preparation to boot. I don’t see many 300 lb lineman worried about their uniform making their butt look big, but welcome to the world of power stunts and plastered grins. Caroline is a tumbler and a base. In other words she gets to hurl her body into the air with more gyrations than Shakira and then try to catch the “flyers” as they descend from their perch on top of the stunt pyramids. There is something majestically disturbing about a 5 foot 3 one hundred and ten-ish 16 year old standing between you and a fractured pelvis. But she loves it so who am I to object to her antics. Remember, this is the child who jumped 2000 pound horses when she was 6. She also debuted at Social. For those uneducated uncouths, a bit of explanation about Social is warranted.
Social is a fascinating study in adolescent herd behavior that oozes forth from the primordial southern small town gestalt and takes hormone ravaged teens and creates mannered, gentile belles and beaus. In other words, its a cash cow that thrives on peer pressure and moms desires for little Johnny and little Sally to not be social misfits. Begun in a more gallant age, Social attempts to harness World-of-Warcraft playing, acne aversive boys and teach them the importance of proper escort position and which fork to use and help girls to realize that exposed belly buttons and halter tops are are “hooker-chic”. And they do a surprisingly good job at it!. Imagine the difficulty in taking a video game obsessed man-child fresh from blowing up an online demon Ork and putting him in tails and gloves and have him utter such phrases as “So nice to meet you” and “May I have this dance?” This is about as natural to these kids as telling the truth is to a congressman, but the Social instructors somehow pull it off year after year.
The Spring formal is a particularly interesting affair as it is the culmination of a years worth of cajoling, gum extrusion, scolding for excessive talking, and mortgaging the house to pay for a Social dress. As the father of two daughters who have pranced and paraded around the Civic Center floor for Spring Formal, I can say that the money I have invested in ball gowns is equal to the gross national product of Grenada. However, Caroline never looked more beautiful (thank God she looks like her mother). As I watched the immeasurably infinite Grand March, (thousands upon thousands of kids streaming in the auditorium that, when assembled, looked like a collection of extras from Gone With The Wind) I fantasized about owning my own dress shop and capturing this market each Spring. The thousands upon thousands of dollars spent on fabric and flowers no doubt does more for the local economy than a government bailout, and I am told there is a fortune to be made in dress consignments. The amount of money generated by this one event must make Bernie Madoff jealous; however, I am warmed to know I am providing the college tuition for some seamstresses' kid year after year. Nevertheless, sitting at the Civic Center counting bodies reinforced that the CSRA is probably the shag and fox trot capital of the Southeast, and that alone is worth dipping into the 401-K for.
When I rant about Social, my wife is fond of reminding me that I am only jealous because I didn’t have such a privileged upbringing. Raised in east Tennessee, we were more concerned about stocking the outhouse than which fork to use with the salad. In my home town, a divorce and a tornado were very similar in that someone was bound to lose a doublewide trailer. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish my backwoods hillbilly genes to be passed on to my sophisticated daughters, but I guess I feel I turned out okay in spite of not knowing the intricate choreography of “Amos Moses”. She maintains that Knoxville probably had a Social or its equivalent and that I was too busy climbing the nerd ladder to notice, but I insist that no such group existed in Rocky Top. Can you imagine a hundred of Knoxville’s finest Cotillion debutants decked out in bright orange dresses to match their dates overalls. My wife grew up in Macon, Georgia where Social was as intrinsic to the culture as Little Richard, and she reveled in the experience. To this day whenever she hears “I Love Beach Music” she spits out her gum and hurriedly forms a line. Those of you who did Social understand that reference, and those of you who didn’t...well you are probably way to unsophisticated to understand it anyway. Do I feel socially inferior and manners handicapped from not doing Dance Club and Cotillion? Not really, but I will admit that today on the dance floor I look like a severely spastic John Travolta trying to keep the beat as only a lily-white boy can. There is no doubt in my mind that had I been subjected to Social as a teen I would today have the panache of a Fred Astaire, the moves of a Gene Kelly, and the looks of a Homer Simpson.
Caroline is sixteen and driving. I realize this shouldn’t make waves of nausea crash over your duodenum like other ominous statements such as , “Armageddon is scheduled for next Wednesday” or “It’s just a little audit”, but it does, nevrtheless. The thought of this delicate flower trying to change lanes with a tattoo wielding, one tooth 18 wheeler-driving son of the Confederacy makes me squeamish. I have tried on numerous occasions to convince her that it is not her lack of judgment that scares me; it is the millions of fools that are on the road with her that give me pause. I mean, 24 million folks voted for Barak Obama. That should scare any self respecting father! Nevertheless, time marches on and so does the insurance premiums. But she has proven herself a very safe study. Maybe it’s the Sherman Tank I make her drive!

Susan and I have simply survived another year. Let’s face it, at this season of our life our kids take precedence. The last time we did anything remotely resembling a social outing that had nothing to do with the kids was at a “Bill Clinton is the Antichrist Rally” when he took office. Yea, we have cured cancer and solved world peace, but that takes a back seat to high school football games and texting. We have had a great year watching our girls grow and mature and become fine young women. What else do we need?
We hope you and yours have a blessed Christmas and new year and may all your days be filled with laughter!

One has to admit, there is something intrinsically humorous about being an obstetrician/gynecologist. Putting aside the prepubescent school boy snickers, dealing with the subject matter of reproduction, intimacy, and “those parts” lends itself to jovial anecdotes and curious situations. I have discovered over the years that laughing at myself and the predicaments I attract is as necessary as peanut butter is to jelly.
A few years back I was working in my home office when I heard my then 5 year old daughter playing with a friend in the hallway. The friend proudly announced, “My daddy is a banker!” Half listening, half working I waited for a response from my daughter. After a few seconds she planted her hands on her hips and stoically responded, “Well, my daddy is an obstruction and groinocologist!” My laughter was only muted by my spewing diet coke from my mouth.
Not long ago I was speaking at a church gathering and concluded my talk with a call for questions. One lady who looked vaguely familiar stood up and said, “Dr. Eaker, I know you won’t recognize my face because I am a patient of yours...” I couldn’t even hear her question as the crowd burst into raucous laughter. She realized what she had said and turned the shade of a blood rose and immediately sat down.
I often shirk going to social occasions simply because I have been told numerous times that some patients are uncomfortable seeing their gynecologist in public. In all honesty, it doesn’t phase me in the least, but I understand how some folks may be a bit taken back thinking I remember every detail of every exam. Indeed I have seen piercings in places where holes were never meant to be and tattoos placed such that they must have been both painful and interesting to obtain. However, there is a group of patients that migrate to the other extreme. They will approach you in public and discuss any manner of intimacies with complete disregard for surroundings or appropriateness. For example, I was lounging by the side of a community pool one summer’s day, lazily watching my daughters splashing and frolicking in the cool water, when a young lady approached me. She was in her early twenties wearing a bikini that was little more than a thread holding together a napkin. She eagerly sat down beside me at the water’s edge and reminded me that she had been in to see me at the office a couple of weeks ago. I vaguely remembered her (not to insult anyone but we will see sometimes 30-40 people a day) yet I feigned recognition and asked her how she was. As my daughter paddled by she recounted the intimate details of her last sexual encounter that led to her visit and, in a voice that I was sure was heard on the next block, inquired about the result of her sexually transmitted disease cultures. I admitted that I didn’t remember her results and that as soon as I got back to the office on Monday I would try to track them down. She seemed satisfied and went back to her boyfriend sitting behind us. He had obviously overheard the conversation, as had most of the county, and looked like he had seen a ghost. I noticed that throughout the afternoon he made several trips to the bottle of hand sanitizer on the life guard stand. My daughter, always the curious one, wasn’t satisfied until she knew why the nice lady wanted to know if she had “chirpies”.
Unfortunately, if you practice medicine long enough you will have patients die. Luckily in my area, that doesn’t happen often, but when it does it is a likely more tragic and untimely. I attended the viewing of one such former patient a while back. There was an open coffin and my wife and I stood respectfully at the edge of the resting place remembering this sweet lady. I startled as I felt a light tap on my shoulder and from behind heard, “Dr. Eaker I’m so glad I saw you here. Do you have a second?” I was too flustered at the interruption to say what I wanted (which was, “No, I don’t you inconsiderate fool) so I just grunted which she took as an opening for conversation. It turns out she had been in the office a few days past and I had recommended a particular medication for a benign condition. She had gone home, jumped on the Internet and become an instant PhD regarding her situation. I am all for patient responsibility and self education, but thinking you have the big picture by pulling up www.KnowItAllDoc.com and reading about some lady in Peoria who treated her problem with beetle dung juice and sandpaper is a mistake. Not only is Internet voodoo not good science, but asking about it during a wake is poor form! If I had been thinking I would have turned to the recently departed and said, “Gee Mildred, what do you think?”
If laughter is the best medicine then I should be immune to about anything!

We gathered in plastic chairs on a cement precipice overlooking the Caribbean. A circle of 16 as diverse as snowflakes yet bonded in a brotherhood of common cause. We had just completed a week of medical mission work in St.Mary’s parish, Jamaica and were tired but joyful. Rev. Scott had suggested we close the week with a communion celebration and we all agreed that was a grand idea, so there we were. Situated in a cathedral that could only have been constructed by a God unlike any other - stars lathered like glitter on felt - frogs belting out their high pitched siren’s song - a welcomed breeze wafting intermittently off the cool waters - we faced each other remembering a few days ago when we arrived. Some new to the team, others veterans of prior excursions, we arrived in Montego Bay eager to experience what God had preordained.

“On the night in which he gave himself up for us,
Our Lord Jesus took bread, gave thanks to you, broke the bread
gave it to his disciples, and said:
"Take, eat; this is my body which is given for you.
Do this in remembrance of me."

The first night was filled with busyness and preparation. We were returning to Hampstead, a blighted, desperately poor section of the parish filled with beautiful children and wizened elderly. The rural areas of Jamaica are a fascinating mix of young and old. Adolescents too young and not yet able to try to escape the poverty, and the aged who have no chance of ever being anywhere else. There is a paucity of middle age folks, either due to their early demise from hypertension or diabetes, or from their migration to Kingston or some other urban area in search of jobs. This is a country where few are committed to returning once they have relinquished their rural, poverty laden chains. This leaves mainly single moms and extended families to work the land and provide sustenance for a burgeoning underclass of children. In Hampstead clinic, a wild west saloon like building, we saw mom after mom, often in their early twenties, with three or four children under six. With an unemployment rate hovering around 85% these children with children must grow their food since there is little money to buy any. And what is available to buy is processed, calorie dense diabetes in a bag. That first day we saw blood sugars in the 400s, enough to buy you a hospital admission in the US, and the best we could do was to provide Metformin, a tablet to lower glucose in the blood, and a rudimentary nutritional education. Even that small effort will save lives, or at least ward off some strokes, blindness, vascular insufficiency, and multiple other complications of long standing diabetes.

Likewise, when the supper was over, he took the cup,
gave thanks to you, gave it to his disciples, and said:
"Drink from this, all of you,
this is my blood of the new covenant,
poured out for you and for many for the forgiveness of sins.
Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me."


The next day we traveled only a few miles from our base to Albany clinic. We had been in this location the previous year and were warmed with the recognition by some of the citizens. Our dental team, two stalwart extractors and their merry support crew, set up outside as usual with tarps as ceilings and fans as air conditioning. Fueled by a diet of fruits and sugar cane, dental caries is as common as coconut trees on the island. Our dentists would pull close to 500 teeth in four days, numbing, digging, and extracting on kids and octogenarians alike. There is little doubt that dental hygiene and preventive care has to be a priority if future generations of Jamaicans are to be healthy. The locals would explain that having one’s teeth puled actually was a badge of honor as it represented the fact that you had access to dental care. What a different mindset from the US where a pearly white set of choppers signified good dental care in contrast to an empty mouth in the poor areas of the island. By the time we see these folks, extraction is the only option, and one that is met with joy by the patient whose rotting tooth had been punishing them for months.


And so, in remembrance of these your mighty acts in Jesus Christ,
we offer ourselves in praise and thanksgiving
as a holy and living sacrifice,
in union with Christ's offering for us,
as we proclaim the mystery of faith:

Rock River is a rural mountainous clinic that requires a NASCAR like driver to access. The roads in rural Jamaica are as pockmarked as a teen’s face. Barely wide enough for one vehicle and perched tenuously on ledges inches from the embankments, a skilled operator must negotiate washouts, pedestrians, and other vehicles with the dexterity of a machete juggler. Trevor, our friend, bus driver, interpreter, joke teller, tour guide, companion, advisor, and historian guided us through hill and valley to safely deposit us in our daily clinic site. One of the great accomplishments of ACE, the ministry with which we partnered, was their commitment to integration into the St.Mary culture. These folks were a part of the community, not some isolated one facet, in and out approach that some groups espouse. ACE is involved in micro-businesses, education, evangelism, medical, dental, child enrichment, and even provides a place for local swimming lessons for community kids. As their mission statement says, they are the hands and feet of Christ to the people of Jamaica as they impact today for change tomorrow, and trust me, those hands and feet are dirty and calloused from use.


Christ has died;
Christ is risen;
Christ will come again.

The last day of clinics was one of newness and surprises. We had never been to Brainard, a remote collection of agrarian homesteaders in the foothills of the Blue Mountains, and the trip inland was filled with lush landscapes and precarious roads. The clinic was in reality a church building constructed with love and cinder block situated down an embankment from the main road. A gaggle of folks awaited us on our arrival and so did some ominous clouds. Rain had visited with a vengeance the day before, but with our appearance it was as if God had sponged up the standing water and created a dry haven for us and our patients. During the entire four days only sporadic rain showers came, and then simply to cool the air and not hamper the operations. Combined dental and medical we saw around 130 men, women, and children that day with illnesses ranging from sinusitis to malignant hypertension. By this point the team was an efficient organism fueled by compassion and concern, triaging and treating on the minister’s platform at the front of the church. A fitting environment for our cause as we were preaching not with words but with actions. Pastor Watson, local leader of a burgeoning congregation at the Galina Breeze hotel, had reminded us in a sermon the prior Sunday that grace was extended to us from a loving Father, and we in turn could pass that on by what we did. True grace is extended with no strings, no expectations, and no demands. Learning this lesson was not a result of Bible study but of getting our hands dirty in the trenches of need.


Because there is one loaf,
we, though we be many, are one body,
for we all partake of the one loaf.
The bread which we break,
it is a means of sharing in the body of Christ!

And the cup over which we give thanks,
it is a means of sharing
in the outpoured blood of Christ!

Friday arrived with a burst of sunshine like every other morning, but we all knew that we were just a bit different by that daybreak. You can’t be there, or serving in any capacity, and not be changed. Even a subtle difference, one that may not even be perceived until later, is born with a thought or an experience that challenges who you are and what you believe. Most will say that any mission trip will leave you altered in some way, and I believe that is true. It may not be a massive shift in consciousness, or even a minor change of heart, but something changes because, as one person commented after our communion, once you have seen, you can never forget. It is in the remembering that we find that desire to be a better person. It is in the remembering that we realize our own brokenness. It is in the remembering that we acknowledge our commonality. With our communion of festival bread and juice we celebrated our week of service and worshipped a God who loves his children. We came together as the body of Christ, understanding that whether in Jamaica, Augusta, or Katmandu there is reason to both rejoice and rage. Rejoice at what a loving God can do and rage against what a sinful man can create. Sitting under the canopy of stars it’s easy to get lost in the vastness of it all; a universe of light year distances and unimaginable spaces. But then you think of the immediacy of the Infirmary, a place where Jamaicans are left to die, or the hopefulness of the sponsored children in Galina elementary school, and you put aside any concerns about intangible space and time and see only the present. Sitting in nature’s sanctuary, perched on the edge of the ocean, you don’t worry so much about the big questions of theology as much as you do about the needs of the individuals you talked to, held, and prayed with that week. You think about Richard, a long time Infirmary resident, spontaneously clapping and dancing in Sunday worship. You think about the young mom whose crying baby simply needs a round of antibiotics to cure the infant’s raging ear infection maybe preventing future hearing damage. You think of Emmit, weary from a life of farm labor, smiling ear to ear upon receiving a tube of cream to ease his sore and overused muscles, and you think of Alice proclaiming the blessings of God while struggling to walk on a hip broken and improperly set. It is these memories that keep us coming back, not some existential desire to do the right thing or be a good person. We are all in need, and it is just a matter of trying to meet some of those needs in the ways that God has graciously gifted us.

Through your Son Jesus Christ,
with your Holy Spirit in your Holy Church,
all honor and glory is yours, Almighty Father,
now and forever.

Amen

There are certain milestones experienced in life that signify you are getting older. I am steadily racking up these watershed events like an extreme couponer gathering Sunday paper inserts. These touchstones include walking on the beach and discovering you’re wearing black socks with sandals, acknowledging that Metamucil is one of the four food groups, and having 68 pairs of reading glasses stashed throughout the house. The most recent reminder that the grim reaper is salivating over my aging behind is taking my oldest daughter to college. Katie is my adventuresome child. She sees herself climbing peaks in Nepal, teaching yoga to Native American preschoolers, or snowboarding in Norway, all thanks to a grant from the National Endowment of Daddy. Her two criteria for college were first, it had to be out of the South (“I can’t see myself living out life as a bit part in Steel Magnolias”) and second, it had to be in a big city ( translated in dad speak to high rents, high crime, and high anxiety for parents). After an extensive search and expensive tour she applied to and was accepted at a small liberal arts school in Chicago, home of the White Sox, Bank of America marathon, and the highest coed kidnap and ransom rate in the country ( okay, maybe a bit of an exaggeration on that last one).

In a merciful act of benevolence, mainly due to the 14 hour drive between Augusta and Chicago, we decided to fly to our destination. I initially wanted to drive to save money but my wife educated me on my idiocy.
“But honey, we can carry all her stuff in the car.”
“It’s a 14 hour drive.”
“ But plane tickets are expensive.”
“It’s a 14 hour hour drive.”
“We can have a bonding road trip experience.”
“It’s a 14 hour drive.”
“We will have a car in Chicago.”
“It’s a 14 hour drive and if you want to live you will go on the Delta website right now and book 3 tickets.”
“Yes dear.”


So off to the airport and college. There are some things a dad shouldn’t do with his soon to be freedom obsessed daughter, like shop for bathing suits and discuss tattoos. One of those things is going through airport security together. I have discovered that you learn some things that may have been better left unknown. I trailed behind my daughter as one of Augusta’s finest TSA agents waived her through the metal detector. The loud shriek of the machine unceremoniously signaling some adorned metal pierced the haze of my “way to early a flight” mental fog. Katie stepped back through the device and looked confusedly at the agent.
“Any jewelry, watches, stuff in your pocket?”
“Uh...no sir. Oh wait, what about this?” She pulled back her recently coifed hair uncovering her right ear revealing an array of ear studs previously unbeknownst to her papa. I looked with amazement at my wife.
“Did you know about this?” I inquired, already knowing the answer.
Katie rolled her eyes in that “Oh dad get a grip” sort of way and carefully removed her metal ear candy gingerly placing the decorations in the offering plate like bowl. She proceeded back through the detector as I held my breathe not wanting any other renegade piercings to be revealed. The machine was generously silent this go around and Katie reloaded her ear after retrieving her decorations. I just shrugged my shoulders, smiled at the guard while muttering something about always being the last to know things and continued to the gate.

We got to Chicago, settled in our hotel room and ventured off to the college campus. I had already retrieved a map of campus, not to be efficient but to find out where all the bathrooms were, so it was off to meet the roommate. One of the great shocks I had as a dad, and an older dad to boot, was the number of co-ed dorms on campuses now. In fact, single sex dorms seem to be as popular as liberals at a tent revival meeting, and as rare. There is nothing more comforting to a dad then to walk down the hall of his demure 18 year old’s dorm and come face to towel with a 6 foot 5, 285 pound ex con masquerading as a freshman linebacker fresh from his weekly shower. He seemed to take it all in stride smiling like a cheshire cat who had just eaten twelve mice. I casually mentioned to the half clothed behemoth that I was a small arms dealer for a Middle East consortium and wondered if he had seen the concealed weapons permit I had dropped somewhere. Times are indeed changing, but not always for the best.

After bumping into Bubba the love behemoth, I cautiously wandered into my daughter’s dorm room apprehensive about what I would find. Pleasantly surprised, and definitely relieved, I found 3 girls, one being her roommate (a female thank God). Her roomie was a Vietnamese native who grew up in Norway and went to boarding school in Sweden and was now making her first trip to the US. I’m not kidding here. I couldn’t have made that up. Her two friends were equally as cosmopolitan as they were from Malawi (I’m not even sure where Malawi is!) and Palestine. Boy how times have changed. When I went to college my roommate was a beer gutted, tobacco chewing NASCAR lovin‘ Billy Bob from Bellbuckle Tennessee. Times are indeed changing, and this time most assuredly for the best.

We next ventured to the academic hub of the campus and reviewed her upcoming schedule. I was pleased that I recognized the courses she was enrolled in because as I perused the catalog I spotted several areas of study that were somewhat foreign. It seems that some college kids revel in such offerings as Medieval chants and charms, cooking for one, badminton (competitive), and dog whispering. What a marvelous way to spend $30,000! I could feed half of Rwanda for what some will spend on learning how the Harry Potter series parallels ancient Greek mythological archetypes.

The dining hall was next on the world wind tour. Here the toughest decisions of the day were vetted. The variety of meal plans rivaled the number of insults in a “What Not to Wear” TV show. The plans, as best I could tell, could be broken down into three categories: vegetarian (basically bird feed and tofu), burgers and fries and more burgers and fries, and the elite “hogs are us” plan that features a feeding trough that would make Golden Corral jealous. This is where the notorious freshman fifteen ( and I don’t mean hours studying each day) finds it’s fulfillment. After viewing the smorgasbord laid out for the students I felt a more conservative estimate was a freshman forty! I remember eating meals cooked on a hot plate and thinking Raman noodles were a gourmet addition to macaroni and cheese.

The bookstore was our next stop and I swear it took me 30 minutes of purposeful wandering before I found any books. After wading through jerseys, coffee mugs, hoodies, posters, banners, jewelry, t-shirts, and the ticket counter for football games, I finally came upon the actual textbooks. It was like they were the whacky uncle everyone tried to forget, shoved in the back of the room. I noticed that some of the text were prepackaged and set aside in sacks above the shelves. They had various students names on them and I assumed that there was some service the bookstore did for those wise folks who pre ordered their texts. The young clerk corrected me when I asked and said that those were the books for the scholarship athletes. They packaged them up so they could simply wander down to the bookstore and conveniently pick up their books for the entire semester. The only problem was that some of the packages were from 3 semesters ago and had never been picked up! Some things never change no matter how old you get.

We wandered back to the dorm and Katie somewhat unceremoniously hinted that it was time for her mother and I to leave. We knew we would see her the next day so this was not the obligatory mushy goodbye. This was more “I’ve had about enough of parental bonding to last me the whole semester so let me begin to pave my own way” kind of goodbye. The not so subtle hint was appropriately received and Susan and I walked back to our hotel. I noticed that the walk back was much less strenuous than our walk to the college that morning, and I discovered that it was mainly due to my much lighter wallet!

The next morning I went out for my mandatory run. Anytime I travel I have to do a run as it is as much a tradition as getting terrified by cabbies who speak no English. Running is by far the best way to see a community and get a feel for the nature of folks who populate the streets at 6 am. I have had a number of experiences ranging from dodging hung over transvestites in Las Vegas to being chased by a rat like Lhasa Apso in Boston who thought I was a moving pork chop. In Lake Forest the only thing I had to dodge was the heavy fog of wealth hanging over the community. This is a very prosperous suburb of Chicago where Jaguars and Mercedes are as prevalent as Mononucleosis in a coed dorm. Even the dog houses had manicured yards and pea pebble driveways. As I sweated in my Target shorts and Wal-mart t-shirt, I fantasized about who lived in these mansions. My generation would suppose some titan of business or publishing baron sojourned there whereas my daughter’s contemporaries would immediately think they were inhabited by pimp my crib rappers named Sweet Ice-T and Biggie Butt Jello for Brains.

After my run, Katie met us for a short trip to Target. Now for those of you who are college move-in illiterate, if they don’t have it at Target, you don’t need it. This is in contrast to real life where most of what you don’t need is at Target. The only problem with this outing is that in Beverly Hills East the nearest Target was a 30 minute cab ride. My blood pressure rose in concert with the cab’s meter and soon I realized that I could have bought half the store for what it cost me to get there. I do feel a sense of joy in paying a cabbie's son’s Fall tuition for college. Once at Target we completed our purchases (actually I sat in one of the Lazy Boy pleather recliners while Susan and Katie scorched the credit card.)

Back at the dorm it was finally time to say our goodbyes. Katie knew she had to be quick because her mother was a skinny minute from a complete melt down. I on the other hand was a rock solid bastion of stability...Not! Combine the posture of a jelly fish and the composure of Jimmy Swaggert admitting he was smoozing prostitutes and you get a pretty good idea of where I was at. After all, this was my first born, the first fruit of my loins, my genetic legacy, my baby. Of course I shouldn’t have blathered those exact terms to her at that moment as she could only look on in epic embarrassment and vow never to bring us back to college. Somehow we struggled through and she vaulted up the dorm stairs eagerly anticipating the rest of her life, and Susan and I skulked slowly, purposelessly back to the hotel.

There is such extremes of emotion that arise in moments of transition like this that you can only stand back and let them flow through you and topple whatever is in their existential way. I rejoice for her present and future but worry about all the inevitable heartaches and mistakes punctuating that journey. Her mother and I know we have done our best to poison her mind with our morals and foundational beliefs, but we worry about what she will eventually choose. I am excited about the limitless possibilities she will encounter, but I cringe at the cruelty of the real world. This Yin and Yang, this stratospheric struggle of opposites, this dichotomy of possibilities all create a cognitive dissonance of emotions in parents. We love our children limitlessly and want to have them close and protect them, yet our goal is to raise them to be independent from us. Kids foraging their own way with confidence and purpose is a sign of good parenting, yet giving up physical and emotional bonds is massively difficult. Going off to college is one of those transition points, like the beginning of the mythological heroes quest, that teaches both the parent and the child valuable lessons about purpose and meaning. It’s a time of great joy and great apprehension, but it is those pressure points that create a new substance. The diamond is born from the pressure of the ages and so a new creature, your child, is created anew from the challenges and decisions required in this fresh chapter in their lives. Likewise, parents enter a new stanza in the song that is our lives, and we now also have a chance to make that soaring melody one of triumph and celebration. Or we could just let it die in a pitiful, debt ridden, miserable, regret laden whimper like I suspect anyone who was on Toddlers and Tiaras would do. Anyway, I have no doubt that the next six years will be the happiest four years of college Katie will ever experience, and for that I am both overjoyed and blessed.


A small ringlet of sweat meandered from the posterior aspect of my neck to the pool beginning to form in the small of my back. My once crisp white oxford dress shirt was pockmarked with translucent water marks like butter on wax paper and my “manly-man” deodorant was now as fresh smelling as a twelve day old bass. The 4 o’clock sun seemed to leap towards the earth increasing its intensity making me a believer in global warming, at least in my segment of the universe. No, I wasn’t in sub Saharan Africa or a beachfront in Jamaica, I was standing in line to save a seat at the Social Spring Formal.

For those of you either new to the area or just now crawling out from under your rock, Social is a fascinating study in adolescent herd behavior that oozes forth from the primordial southern small town gestalt and takes hormone ravaged teens and creates mannered, gentile belles and beaus. In other words, its a cash cow that thrives on peer pressure and moms desires for little Johnny and little Sally to not be social misfits. Begun in a more gallant age, Social attempts to harness World-of-Warcraft playing, acne aversive boys and teach them the importance of proper escort position and which fork to use and help girls to realize that exposed belly buttons and halter tops are are “hooker-chic”. And they do a surprisingly good job at it!. Imagine the difficulty in taking a video game obsessed man-child fresh from blowing up an online demon Ork and putting him in tails and gloves and have him utter such phrases as “So nice to meet you” and “May I have this dance?” This is about as natural to these kids as telling the truth is to a congressman, but the Social instructors somehow pull it off year after year.

The Spring formal is a particularly interesting affair as it is the culmination of a years worth of cajoling, gum extrusion, scolding for excessive talking, and mortgaging the house to pay for a Social dress. As the father of two daughters who have pranced and paraded around the Civic Center floor for Spring Formal, I can say that the money I have invested in ball gowns is equal to the gross national product of Grenada. However, my girls never looked more beautiful (thank God they look like their mother). As I watched the immeasurably infinite Grand March, (thousands upon thousands of kids streaming in the auditorium that, when assembled, looked like a collection of extras from Gone With The Wind) I fantasized about owning my own dress shop and capturing this market each Spring. The thousands upon thousands of dollars spent on fabric and flowers no doubt does more for the local economy than a government bailout and I am told there is a fortune to be made in dress consignments. The amount of money generated by this one event must make Bernie Madoff jealous; however, I am warmed to know I am providing the college tuition for some seamstresses' kid year after year. Nevertheless, sitting at the Civic Center counting bodies reinforced that the CSRA is probably the shag and fox trot capital of the Southeast, and that alone is worth dipping into the 401-K for.

When I rant about Social, my wife is fond of reminding me that I am only jealous because I didn’t have such a privileged upbringing. Raised in east Tennessee, we were more concerned about stocking the outhouse than which fork to use with the salad. In my home town, a divorce and a tornado were very similar in that someone was bound to lose a doublewide trailer. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish my backwoods hillbilly genes to be passed on to my sophisticated daughters, but I guess I feel I turned out okay in spite of not knowing the intricate choreography of Amos Moses. She maintains that Knoxville probably had a Social or its equivalent and that I was too busy climbing the nerd ladder to notice, but I insist that no such group existed in Rocky Top. Can you imagine a hundred of Knoxville’s finest Cotillion debutants decked out in bright orange dresses to match their dates overalls. My wife grew up in Macon, Georgia where Social was as intrinsic to the culture as Little Richard, and she reveled in the experience. To this day whenever she hears “I Love Beach Music” she spits out her gum and hurriedly forms a line. Those of you who did Social understand that reference, and those of you who didn’t...well you are probably way to unsophisticated to understand it anyway. Do I feel socially inferior and manners handicapped from not doing Dance Club and Cotillion? Not really, but I will admit that today on the dance floor I look like a severely spastic John Travolta trying to keep the beat as only a lily-white boy can. There is no doubt in my mind that had I been subjected to Social as a teen I would today have the panache of a Fred Astaire, the moves of a Gene Kelly, and the looks of a Homer Simpson.

When it comes down to it, with all the costs, hours of watching and waiting, more costs, and additional watching, Social, I have decided, is a pretty good thing. It is the only place where potential delinquents (and we all know how close we are) can be shown that manners, politeness, and respect do matter. It is a place to check attitudes at the door or suffer the wrath of instructors who are hired by the marines to tech drill sergeants. It is a place where kids from virtually every school in the area can come together in peaceful camaraderie with the common purpose of seeing how hot the guys and girls are at every other school but yours. It is about showing each other respect, and anything that promotes that can’t be all bad...expensive, but not all bad!
After another morning run, the final day in clinic loomed large. We were going into unchartered water, even for the ministry, as the place we were seving today, Islington, was new to the medical teams and was known to serve around 7000 persons in the surrounding community. The good news was that it was the most “modern” of the clinics, the bad news is that meant it may have a light in each room. We arrived at Islington to find a mass of patients already assembled in a large anteroom in what appeared initially to be a chaotic congestion of hot, ill humanity. Once we began to set up, Mr.Myers, an employee of ACE who was 75 years young and looked about 50, took control, along with Jesse, and herded the flock into a semi-organized line up of patients. Again, Susan, as the slave driving patient router, kept all the providers busy. In fact, I think she took pleasure in telling me continually, “Just one more Pap” about 15 times. I was well past my hard earned peanut butter and jelly lunch break as I would see her lovingly sort another gyn patient my way. It was fun to watch her direct folks in what looked like a random fashion, yet she knew exactly who needed to go where and when. I am lucky to be married to such a take charge wife. She exhibits the same efficiency at the mall with our kids.
“Okay Caroline, you go to the Gap. Katie, over there to Macy’s. I’m heading this way since I am next in line at Wongs pedi-mani emporium” As I said, we all have our gifts.
As the day drew to a close, Betty,Mr. Myers, Susan and I and a couple of team members got into a van and ventured out into the countryside. One of the ACE programs involves child sponsorship providing a school uniform, school supplies, and, when available, some food products for their families. There were a few bags of rice in the back of the van so we sought to distribute what we could. When you see these folks in the clinics its easy to fantasize that they will get treated and go back to their houses and watch CSI Miami and eat TV dinners. There is a certain comfortable ignorance in seeing people dressed well (out of respect many patients would wear their nicest clothes to the clinics). Also many of the Jamaicans spoke very well so my western prejudice didn’t immediately associate them with the abject poverty that was their reality. I was soon to have that misconception exploded into a million pieces. We traveled down some barely passable roads, eventually having to walk as the roads became nonexistent, and visited some of the sponsored children’s hovels. Many of the kids were still in school so we met the moms, the dads were nowhere to be found, and gave them the foodstuffs. There was universal appreciation and warm and friendly hellos and goodbyes at each stop. The poverty was disturbing, but the spirit was strong. These are proud and friendly people who appreciate kindness and understand it is a leg up and not a hand out. ACE firmly believes that people respond better to ownership and responsibility rather than charity. A person’s dignity is the first wrung of the ladder from which they can climb out of their predicaments, and if they accept their responsibility to make sure their child goes to school and is looked after (which ACE insists upon), everyone becomes a winner. ACE is fostering a culture of self sufficiency and production, not dependence, and it’s accomplished with an attitude of Christian compassion,not pity. This demonstrable witness screams louder than any Bible tract or sermon. And it’s changing lives. The final house we visited was several miles down a back road thick into the countryside. Approximately 2 miles from the elementary school we spied Jonathan, a 6 year old sponsored child, making his way home from school. We picked him up and carried him the remaining 1 1/2 miles to his house. The fact that Jonathan walked 3 1/2 miles to and from school each day was not lost on us. He was a shy tyke, but warmed up immediately as Mr.Myers, a surrogate grandfather for many of these kids, hugged him and asked him about his school day. People can’t help to respond to sincere compassion and Mr.Myers oozed compassion. I think that was the thing that struck me the most about ACE; they really cared. This was not some “do what I say, not what I do” group of folks. These were people that, in their actions, words, and prayers, tried to be true to their calling. From Marla to the guys working on the landscape at the hotel, everyone keeps foremost in their hearts the necessity of a servants heart. Without that they couldn’t do what they do every day. These are people who are firmly grounded in the reality of their situation; they know for example that sometimes it takes some smoozing of local politicians to get things done; yet, they never lose the undercurrent of why they are there. They love these people and that is the simple yet powerful thread that binds them together. I’m sure there are times they get frustrated and upset at the mountain of problems they encounter, yet I sense that frustration and heartache is countered by having a vision for a better future, both here and beyond.
The flight home was not as eventful as our battle with customs on our way in, although Tish, the dental hyena who was Dr.Mike’s left, right, and middle hand, was briefly detained in the Atlanta airport by security for a “random” pat down, search, and otherwise hapless harassment. She was the sole African American on our team, and not to say that had anything to do with anything because we know that TSA doesn’t profile, but still I thought it rather bizarre that she was singled out. I suspect that if she had worn a Burka and veil she would have been waived right through! She was no worse for the trauma and vowed to return with us next year, but she insisted that she was going to drive herself to Jamaica next time and bypass the airlines completely! In the end we all returned safely and although we took our separate routes home, we knew we would be forever bound by the memories of our week on the island.

I write all this after being home about a week from the trip, mainly for my own edification as the creeping years create lapses in memory. I know I have left out some details, and heaven forbid, I might have even embellished a few things, but I assure you the people, events, and experiences were all true. My prayer is that this be the first of many medical trips with ACE and we can continue to serve Jesus and Jamaica. As I said early on, I am not really a mission kind of guy, at least not what I used to think missions were all about. I was one of an ocean of mission illeterates thinking that if I just dove under the sea when a need arose, I would be safe in my watery cocoon. I no longer have the safety of ignorance as I can never forget the need. We all have a duty, whether we acknowledge it or not, to make this place just a bit better than we found it, and inevitably it starts with one act. It doesn’t matter if it is at home or halfway around the world, the needs are the same. The only failure is failing to try. I, and I feel safe in assuming, all our team members will be just a bit different when we get up tomorrow. We will go to our jobs, wake our children, drink our coffee ...and remember. Its not what we have done already that matters so much, It is what we do with that memory that will determine our legacy.
After a record setting day at Albany the fatigue seem to creep over us like a fog. We were all a bit more reserved on the trip back to the hotel, but it was a fatigue well earned. The third clinic day is often like the third quarter in a football game. You have lost the adrenaline surge of the first half and don’t yet have the finality of the last quarter. We knew this was a common feeling as our team leader had prepared us that morning for the emotionally challenging day. Often it is in the quiet of the routine that frustrations arise, yet our team marched forward on that busiest of busy days to remember why we were there. The service attitude never faltered, and for that I am most proud. We arrived at the Galina Breeze for dinner and enjoyed another Jamaican version of the S and S cafeteria. One of the team members had mentioned to Marla that the Country Music Awards were on in the States that evening and Lady Antebellum, with their strong Augusta connection, was up for seven awards. The normal ban on television was lifted and we decided to have our own CMA party surrounding the pool at the lower level of the hotel. Jesse and the hotel staff rigged up a TV and a makeshift sound system to ready the revelers. We all knew that Angie, mother of chief song writer and musical instrument aficionado Dave, had sacrificed a trip to Las Vegas and the red carpet to be with us on the island. Amy, a physical therapist and head team sneak, thought it a shame that Angie miss the red carpet experience (as Dave had asked her to the event as his date) so she schemed to have our own little red carpet in Jamaica. As Angie was getting dressed to watch the program with all of us, Amy found a red bath mat and brought it out and laid it on the ground in front of the TV. Angie emerged from her room to the flashes of countless cell phone cameras and applause of the masses. Mission Mike, our resident comedian and Abbeville ambassador, took the spotlight and interviewed Angie about her choice of attire for the nights festivities.
“Why, I am wearing a designer scrub suit from Dior and my jewelry is Tar’get. I took a shower yesterday and my socks are three days old. Thank you all.Thank you very much!”
The team loved it and the celebration continued as her son’s group won record of the year and group of the year! Again I was struck by the contrast of the night. After a days work with some of the poorest of the poor we were watching a gathering of some of the richest. I realized that it was all good. There was no guilt, no false piety about how good we were and how superficial they were. It was all good. Each of us has gifts and graces and what is important is how we use those. Some can hold a hand and wipe a runny nose, and that is good. Some can write and perform music that touches hearts and souls, and that is good. We all are blessed in some way and the key is figuring out how to apply that in a meaningful manner. Transforming lives takes many roads, and no one journey is any less meaningful than another. We discovered that week that each of us had different things to offer. One of the biggest concerns of a few of the folks who were non medical was of what use could they be. As it turns out each non medical person played a vital role in the organism that was this team. This living beast would have shriveled up and died if it wasn’t for each person doing their part. The ladies at registration were amazing at organizing the crowds, but more importantly setting the tone for the encounter. Their loving, compassionate ways, even in the face of oppressive crowds and minimal facilities said loud and clear that we were there to serve and to care. Once the patients passed through registration they were greeted by our triage team. These gifted nurses had the unenviable task of consolidating the patients problems into manageable tasks. They proved to be critical to the providers as they weaned the problem list to two or three major complaints and then pursued those issues with the persistence of a pit bull after a postman. And they did it with grace and humility and with respect for each person’s dignity. A quarterback knows that he is only as good as his offensive line, and we had some of the best blocking for us. I don’t mean to imply that our triage nurses were all 6 foot 8 and 325 pounds. They most certainly were not, but they were as vital to the operation as a lineman is to a winning team.
That evening we learned that our medicine bags had been released after much gnashing of teeth and greasing of palms. We had brought in about $3500 worth of antibiotics, anti hypertensives, diabetic meds and a host of creams and antihistamines
and now we would have access to them for our last clinic day. Retrieving them was indeed a blessing yet we had not suffered at all in our service during the first three clinics. It was as if God had showered manna from heaven as our small pharmacy/storage closet at the Galina had just the right stuff we needed and in quantities to assure unbroken care. I am convinced our two pharmacists had a hot line to heaven as this was only one of the miracles the pharmacy perpetuated during the trip. Jenny, from Augusta, and Joyce, from Texas, had never met before this trip but became two efficient peas in a pod when it came to organizing the drug supplies pharmacy. A critical component of our mission is treating chronic diseases such as hypertension and diabetes, and much of this involves education and medicines. Without a proper distribution system and supplies we are about as effective as a screen door on a submarine. The entire pharmacy team not only raised the bar for quality and productivity, but they often did it in the dark! The first day the pharmacy was literally in a no-light zone due to the physical constraints of the building. It must have felt like working in London during the blackout to quell the Nazi air raids. Yet they lit up the room with their smiles and laughter and made sure I didn’t give my patient with hypertension a yeast pill by mistake. Her blood pressure might skyrocket but she certainly wouldn’t itch!
Tuesday night at the hotel Marla shared her vision for ACE and the various outreaches it sponsors. One of the most exciting projects is the GreenLife farms. Designed to be the first self sustaining, totally organic farm on the island, it will serve as not only a revenue source for local farmers, but a haven for abandoned and abused children. ACE is committed to integration in the community and all of their projects have Christ at the center, but wisely they acknowledge that there are many ways to show the love of God. ACE began with a vision of what could be, and has found a way to make it what is. How often is it that we either don’t listen to what God is telling us or drown out His vision with our own schemes? I know I do with the regularity of a Swiss watch. In fact, when I first visited ACE a couple of years ago I never dreamed I would return, much less in a medical capacity. I kept thinking that my only usefulness was limited to waiting for someone’s water to break or counseling Jamaicans on hot flashes; not exactly high priority needs in a tropical setting. I was looking forward to going on a medical mission about as much as I was excited about attending a Britney Spears concert. A wise mentor ( my wife) sat me down and simply said, “Listen dummy (it’s a term of endearment) it’s not about you! It’s about you listening and responding to something more than you.” She was right, as I tell her on an extremely regular basis, and I made her promise that if I found myself heading to Jamaica on a medical mission that she would have to go with me. She reminded me that it was not about her either, but I prevailed, and so we rented the kids out for a week and here we were. Initially we had wanted to bring the whole family on this trip, but school commitments kept the kids at home. They were ecstatic at the prospect of being rid of us for a week (their grandmother was to look after them) but I made them promise if we came back when school was out they would come. It didn’t take much
convincing.

Wednesday morning arrived with the music of Lady Antebellum blasting from my phone alarm. How appropriate that Angie, one of the team members, had given birth to one third of this ridiculously successful music group many years ago and had given up a trip down the CMA red carpet that night to commune and serve with us in Jamaica. We were to reward her in our own way that night. I rolled over and nudged Susan and reminded her that we had promised to run with Maggie, another team member, that morning. If it had just been me she was snubbing she would have told me to go jump off the cliff but since she knew Maggie was depending on us, and we had been given explicit instructions to run in a pack (like rabid dogs) if we left the property, she aroused and donned her running outfit. Our morning runs in Jamaica were amazingly refreshing and allowed us to start the day with more than the java jolt provided by the Blue Mountain coffee. We opened up the runs to any and all comers, yet most of the team was infinitely wiser than us and opted to exercise in their sleep. Dr. Mal, our token colo-rectal surgeon, ran in the mornings also, but he elected to be a renegade and travel solo surprising the night watchman on a couple of occasions. Once our run was completed, we showered and donned our scrubs and headed to breakfast. Food at the Galina Breeze is purchased locally and prepared by a Jamaican staff and it is a treat to the senses. I have a basic tenant of not eating that which I can’t classify as animal, vegetable, or mineral, yet here I made an exception. Even though I was unable to ID some of the dishes, largely due to my ignorance of anything culinary, I trusted the kitchen staff and was not disappointed. Learning that they can “jerk” about anything, including coconuts and any four footed creature on earth, I even found plenty of vegetarian fare to my liking. Fruits, breads, and greens all combined to dance across my poverty-stricken palate to provide an eating experience that would shame Rachel Ray. My most favorite dish, peanut butter fish, is an amalgamation of, you guessed it, some kind of fish and a jar of Skippy, and it was to die for. I have decided that you could put peanut butter on a anchovy and it would be palatable. The abundant and delicious bounty became a challenge to my practice of “Hara Hachi Bu” or the Okinawan’s health habit of eating until 80% full. Nevertheless, the Galina Breeze culinary staff took the bounty of Jamaican farms and created nutritious, delicious meals that replenished our energy and kept us regular!

The minute we drove up to the Albany clinic we knew we were in for a special day. Not only was there a crowd already milling about, but a few rain clouds loomed ominously to the West. As was the common practice, the dental clinic set up outside under a tarp and proceeded to work its magic in front of God and an ever present crowd of onlookers. The dental team, led by Dr.Mike, a huggy bear of a guy who could pull a tooth faster than my wife can pull out her Visa, was a diverse mixture of non medical and medical/dental folks who didn’t know each other at the beginning of the week. By the end of the week, they were putting each other in their wills and picking whose house to spend the holidays at. They meshed like tattoos on a biker chick, and by the end of each clinic day had a pile of pulled teeth stacked higher than ice cream on Rosie O’donnell’s desert tray. This was a well oiled (thanks to Richard the autoclave wizard) machine. Jamaicans have a huge dental problem secondary to poor access to proper dental hygiene and prevention and a diet that screams cavities. You can almost guess someones age by the number of teeth remaining as there tends to be an inverse relationship. Some of the most appreciative patients were those who smiled as best they could with mouths packed with gauze after having a tooth pulled that had been hurting them for weeks. After seeing the dental clinic in operation I made a mental note to call my dentist when I got home and schedule an immediate check up.

Along with dental caries a huge number of Jamaicans have diabetes and hypertension. This is largely due to a diet rich in fruit, sodium, sugars, and processed food. You would think that a predominately plant based diet rich in fruits and vegetables would be a healthy one, yet the problem lies in the limited varieties of fresh foods, access, and education. Almost all the food staples are sugar based and virtually all the diabetes is the type 2 or adult onset, which is diet dependent. We were going through metformin, a medicine to lower blood sugar, as fast as we could package it up. We tried to provide a 90 day supply of meds since the clinics were set up to be staffed once a quarter, and we knew if the medicines ran out before someone returned the sugars would rise like the morning tides. The same applied to the blood pressure medicines we distributed. For many Jamaicans, the choice to buy medicines or to buy food is very real one, and it often means months or years of frighteningly high blood pressures or blood so packed with sugar that even Dracula would pass. All this leads to a disturbingly high morbidity and mortality rate that devastates the population of middle aged Jamaicans. These are preventable diseases that simply need education and a minimal amount of care to overcome. Not surprisingly we see the same picture in the US in certain demographics where fast (fat) food and cheap calories predominate. As I related over and over to my Jamaican brethren, eat less, mostly plants, low sugar, low fat and high fiber. And never, never eat anything you can get from a drive in window...even if you walk up to it!

We saw over 200 patients that day in Albany, in spite of a few showers that quickly turned the dental clinic into a makeshift mud wrestling ring. Dr.Liz Ann, our much needed and infinitely patient pediatrician, looked in more ears than a piercer at Claires in the mall. Susan, my wife, was the patient router and she wisely sent most kids to Dr.Liz Ann while I got the Paps and assorted itches and “female” stuff no one else wished to see. Dr.Mal saw all comers with a smile and kind word. I suspect he was just thankful he didn’t have a proctoscope handy. I can’t say enough about the docs, and our nurse practitioner MaryAnn, who all rose above our perceived level of competence and realized that we were there first to care, second to serve, and last but not least to treat medical problems. We may only be scratching the surface, but if you happened to be one that was scratched, it mattered to you. Jesus loved one person at a time and we kept reminding ourselves that the next person we saw may not see another doctor for a year or two, so we best love on them all we can now...we may not get another chance.