Men make horrible patients. Men doctors make even worse patients. Men doctors who are wimpy about pain make inexcusably, embarrassingly horrible patients. I can say this with both authority and confidence as I am all of those things. Case in point: I turned fifty not so very long ago and my perpetually helpful wife reminded me that a stroll down colonoscopy lane was in my near future. I realize this is an absolutely essential screening exam as there are more curable cases of colon cancer picked up early through this test than there are crooks in Congress, but to say I am somewhat hesitant goes beyond an understatement. Let’s just call it what it is; unbridled terror! The thought of some long flexible tube traveling up unchartered territory gives me goose bumps on top of my goose bumps. Now I don’t want to get any angry emails accusing me of advocating avoiding this helpful and necessary exam. I am all about prevention…as long as it’s you that’s doing the prevention. I don’t have any trouble wallowing in someone else’s bowels and body fluids in surgery, but if I cut myself shaving I contemplate calling 911. I actually think this is a man thing, sort of like asking for directions, making your own sandwich, and lifting the lid. For most guys having a lighted camera charting territory never before mapped is about as manly as Liberace in full bloom. Actually I’ve heard the procedure itself is not that bad (mainly from sadistic so-called friends who want you to share their misery) but the prep before the scope receives universal disdain. There is nothing like drinking four gallons of lightly sweetened motor oil while all the time knowing that it is designed to sand blast your colon. And that it does, so I’ve been told. One sarcastic soul simply advised me to have a good book and a Sam’s card to bulk buy your TP.
Let me reiterate, this diatribe is in no way meant to dissuade you from having your intestines surveyed and projected on a screen like some National Geographic special. It needs to be done. So as the fine folks at Nike say… Just Do It! I would, however, make a few requests before the procedure. Ask the gastroenterologist to refrain from a play by play of what he sees. “And over there is what looks to be a hyperplastic polyp. If we come in real slow and close we won’t scare it and you can see it feeding!” Also, I would pick a place that does not employ everyone you normally see at Sunday school. There is nothing more distracting than getting an enema from the woman you were having a spirited discussion about “women being silent in the church” just the week before. Remember, she chooses how much and how hot that water is! Finally, I would not have your wife drive you home afterwards. If your household is anything like mine you would go straight from the colon cleanse to the carpool line and have to explain to four eighth grade girls why you were sitting on a doughnut and were the color of a three day old carp. Find someone to bring you home that doesn’t have to make thirteen stops and has at least a smidgen of sympathy.
I know this may all sound chauvinistic hearing a gynecologist speak about not having uncomfortable procedures done after what we routinely do to women. Believe me I understand that Pap smears and pelvic exams are not exactly a stroll in the garden. As the Pap-er and not the Pap-ee I realize I have no grounds to complain about invasion of privacy, but I also recognize that women are the master race. They are strong in mind and spirit whereas men generally have the pain threshold of a grasshopper. Childbirth is a perfect example. If men had babies there would only be single child families. If men carried a baby for nine months performance anxiety in the bedroom would shoot to new heights as men would constantly be reminded of the cause and effect of pregnancy. “If I do this, I might get that, and I don’t want to do that again, so that’s that.” Now some of you guys may be defensive and attempt to counter this with the old “what about the prostate exam” diversion. You have got to be kidding! One finger for ten seconds verses a bivalved metal prong and a spiked brush rubbing the skin from the cervix! That’s like comparing a Tonka Toy to a Hummer SUV.
One final point. Colon cancer is one of the leading causes of death for both men and women, and it is largely preventable. There is no excuse for not having this done and done soon if you are over fifty. I am preaching to myself here as I will soon make the call to set up my dance through the diverticuli. Life is full of uncomfortable challenges but to live long enough to face your share, get your Pap (not you, John) your colonoscopy, your mammogram and your cholesterol checked. You know what they call someone who practices good prevention? Old!
Now has anybody seen my fiber?
Let me reiterate, this diatribe is in no way meant to dissuade you from having your intestines surveyed and projected on a screen like some National Geographic special. It needs to be done. So as the fine folks at Nike say… Just Do It! I would, however, make a few requests before the procedure. Ask the gastroenterologist to refrain from a play by play of what he sees. “And over there is what looks to be a hyperplastic polyp. If we come in real slow and close we won’t scare it and you can see it feeding!” Also, I would pick a place that does not employ everyone you normally see at Sunday school. There is nothing more distracting than getting an enema from the woman you were having a spirited discussion about “women being silent in the church” just the week before. Remember, she chooses how much and how hot that water is! Finally, I would not have your wife drive you home afterwards. If your household is anything like mine you would go straight from the colon cleanse to the carpool line and have to explain to four eighth grade girls why you were sitting on a doughnut and were the color of a three day old carp. Find someone to bring you home that doesn’t have to make thirteen stops and has at least a smidgen of sympathy.
I know this may all sound chauvinistic hearing a gynecologist speak about not having uncomfortable procedures done after what we routinely do to women. Believe me I understand that Pap smears and pelvic exams are not exactly a stroll in the garden. As the Pap-er and not the Pap-ee I realize I have no grounds to complain about invasion of privacy, but I also recognize that women are the master race. They are strong in mind and spirit whereas men generally have the pain threshold of a grasshopper. Childbirth is a perfect example. If men had babies there would only be single child families. If men carried a baby for nine months performance anxiety in the bedroom would shoot to new heights as men would constantly be reminded of the cause and effect of pregnancy. “If I do this, I might get that, and I don’t want to do that again, so that’s that.” Now some of you guys may be defensive and attempt to counter this with the old “what about the prostate exam” diversion. You have got to be kidding! One finger for ten seconds verses a bivalved metal prong and a spiked brush rubbing the skin from the cervix! That’s like comparing a Tonka Toy to a Hummer SUV.
One final point. Colon cancer is one of the leading causes of death for both men and women, and it is largely preventable. There is no excuse for not having this done and done soon if you are over fifty. I am preaching to myself here as I will soon make the call to set up my dance through the diverticuli. Life is full of uncomfortable challenges but to live long enough to face your share, get your Pap (not you, John) your colonoscopy, your mammogram and your cholesterol checked. You know what they call someone who practices good prevention? Old!
Now has anybody seen my fiber?
