Since the dawn of time, humans have been obsessed with sex.  I suspect it is a good thing as species propagation is somewhat a necessary function, yet the biological functionality and the sensual reality often get blurred.  Putting aside the drive to procreate, the desire for sexual intimacy is about as complex as Neal deGrasse Tyson’s brain.  For centuries man, and yes…it has been mostly men, have searched for the ultimate sex toy…a real aphrodisiac.  The holy grail of sexuality is a substance, ingredient, activity, or state of mind that would enhance a dampened sexual desire, or recreate one that has been long lost.  If you could find and patent such a substance you would have the bucks of Bill Gates and the legacy of Masters and Johnson.

Throughout history, most aphrodisiacs were limited to food and possibly herbs.  I guess since there was no electricity our ancient experimenters couldn’t get too creative.  Some ancient lust enhancers were oysters, skink flesh, and sparrow brains.  It’s not hard to see why oysters may have caught on since the other two don’t sound particularly appealing. “Excuse me a moment my dear while I chug down this sparrow brain.”  Just doesn’t do it for me.  That crazy Greek physician Galen listed a number of foods in his writings as possible aphrodisiacs including carrots, asparagus, anise, mustard, nettles, and sweet peas. I really think he was just trying to make a market for his vegetable garden.

The reasons these substances were thought of as desire deepeners were just as entertaining as the substances themselves.  The oyster was thought to be potent, not due to a double blind placebo controlled study, but because it resembled the female genitalia.  As a professional Gyn I beg to differ, but that’s just my opinion.  

The Mandrake root was labeled as effective for libido and fertility because its shape resembled a woman’s thighs.  Here is a tip for you, don’t ever compare your wife’s thighs to a Mandrake root.  Look it up.  Those things define ugly.

Saint Thomas Aquinas, who I wouldn’t have thought would write about this topic, but did, spoke of meat and wine as enhancing hanky panky.  I can definitely see the wine, but I never thought a lamb chop would put me in the mood.

The fabled Spanish Fly is a real substance derived from blister beetles.  The main ingredient, cantharidin, can irritate genital tissue and for some reason, some Spanish bozo thought it would be a good aphrodisiac.  The only problem is that it doesn’t work and too much can cause renal failure and GI bleeding.  How’s that for dampening the mood!

The bottom line is that there are no foodstuffs that consistently get you in the mood and have been proven to be effective in decent clinical trials.  There are some medications that can address desire issue and sexual dysfunction, but I will save that for another day.

Clinical studies have proven that the best modern day aphrodisiac is a candle, Barry White, and chilled Chardonnay, and it also helps if you are a nice person and love and respect your partner. 

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A lot of things can make you fat. Twinkies, Ding Dongs, ethnic mothers who insist on you eating everything and more, and even hanging out with other fat folks, but there are a few
things that can put on the pounds that may be hidden from your conscious mind, much like that weird dream about going to school naked.  These surprising yet amazingly common practices can literally be the difference between looking good in a thong or making yoga pants a staple of your wardrobe. 

First, and possibly most surprising is that you may not be sleeping enough.  This seems counterintuitive, like black lipstick, because you would naturally think that staying awake and doing stuff burns energy, but you would be wrong.  Quality sleep is key to maintaining a healthy weight, so says really smart people like the National Sleep Foundation (no, this isn’t a plug for “My Pillow”).  Studies from places like the NIH and Harvard (that Yankee school full

of smart snobs) indicate that too little sleep causes a change in your hormones (drat those hormones!) that turn on the fat conserving enzymes and turn off the fat-burning enzymes.  It seems that around 7-8 hours of quality sleep a night is ideal for promoting weight management, but this is only an estimate.  Each person’s hormonal control is a bit different (tell me about it!) and it also seems to vary by age.  

Bottom line, you snooze, you lose…literally. Next, if you're stressed like a hooker at a police convention, you might have trouble losing weight.  Stress, in any form, can create an internal, physiological environment that makes you convert that barbecue pork to ham hocks on your thighs.  It’s somewhat of a conundrum as gaining weight can stress you out, which in turns makes you gain more weight. 

In fact, if I see one more commercial with Marie Osmond talking about how she lost weight by drinking some nasty shake, I’ll be so stressed I might pop some buttons on my drawers. Stress makes you secrete cortisol which in turn triggers pathways that lead to added weight, especially around your belly.  All I can say is Rosie O’Donnell must be really stressed!  The simple answer is to not be stressed, and if you think that is simple I know a Nigerian Prince who has some emails you need to read.

 In this day of a pill for every ailment, it’s not surprising that many medicines can propagate portliness.  A classic example is steroids for infections and other maladies.  Taking a Medrol dose pack over a few days for a sinus infection won’t create havoc with your weight, but chronic use, like in arthritis, can put a pooch in your paunch.  Some other medicines that can potentially do this are insulin, antidepressants, anticonvulsants, and even some blood pressure medicines.  

Some would include marijuana in this group, largely because of the munchies.  The real rub is that most folks aren’t just taking these meds for the fun of it, they have a problem that needs attention, kind of like Uncle Ned and online porn, but occasionally you can find other medicines in the same class that don’t have as many negative side effects.  

As always, consult your doctor, if you can find him, before making any changes.
that needs attention, kind of like Uncle Ned and online porn, but occasionally you can find other medicines in the same class that don’t have as many negative side effects.  As always, consult your doctor, if you can find him, before making any changes. The National Institute for Environmental Health Sciences (I’m not kidding, there really is such a thing) recently published a paper on “Obesogens".

These are substances (i.e. chemicals) in the environment that can contribute to obesity.  At first, I was a bit skeptical, given the whole conspiracy theory thing, but in truth, the studies support that certain pollutants, like Kenny G albums, can make you fat.   For example, cigarette smoke, some pesticides, and Bisphenol A (in plastics) can trigger cellular changes that alter normal fat regulating enzymes.  This leads one to speculate that you should never smoke while crop-dusting your broccoli crop after drinking from your plastic water bottle.  In fairness to the pesticide fan club members, I suspect the impact of all these things is minor compared to other influences. So, brave weight watchers, sleep soundly, chill out, don’t smoke, and avoid medicines and you may be well on your way to a healthy weight…or a nervous breakdown. 

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