Most of you have heard the old joke, “What do you call a bus load of lawyers going over a cliff?…A good start!”  Or how about the old maxim, those who can’t do, teach. Those who can’t teach, go to law school.  I realize some in this PC world may take offense, but rest assured I am not an attorneyphobe, but a couple of recent newspaper articles reignited my reticence in dealing with the legal eagles.  Let me say for the record that I have many good friends who are lawyers and they are all upstanding guys and gals, so this diatribe is not targeting the vast majority of ethical, hard working attorneys.  This rant specifically is against the blood sucking worthless pieces of epidermis that are illustrated by the following examples.

               Recently the mega company Johnson & Johnson was hit with a $417 million dollar verdict alleging that their baby powder was responsible for a woman’s ovarian cancer.  This is in spite of groups like the National Cancer Institute issuing statements like “The weight of the scientific evidence does not support an association between perineal talc exposure and an increased risk of ovarian cancer.”  And that is just one statement, Google this stuff and there are literally hundreds of well done research papers that concur, there is no connection between baby powder use and ovarian cancer. None…that means NOT ANY.  So you may ask, how did a jury find for the plaintiff?  It’s not about truth, it’s about the show.  One of the major plaintiff’s expert witness was Dr.Daniel Cramer, a researcher who has been looking at this question for 30 years, and who has made a substantial living over the years testifying in these cases. Of note, in all his own peer reviewed scientific papers published on this topic, he himself has never written that talc caused ovarian cancer.  But he puts on a good show for the lawyers and the jury. 

            What has come from these studies is a lucrative cottage industry of weasel lawyers who see a pay day from filing and subsequently settling suits.  They know that bad publicity and expenses often outweigh the costs of making these fraudulent claims go away.  These lawyers are no better than the scamsters who prey on the elderly.  One successful class action suit can set them up for a lifetime, and they have no problem throwing ethics out with the sham science.

            The second article that got my panties in a wad was from the Wall Street Journal this past weekend.  It involved a class action suit against Subway because some idiot thought their sandwiches were too short.  They hired an ambulance chaser to file a suit because the “footlong” ad campaign was misleading because some of the sandwiches actually only measured 11 inches. I’m not making this up.  I am amazed that the mouth breathers even knew that there was 12 inches in a foot.  Some brain challenged judge ordered a judgement of $525,000 to be paid to the plaintiffs because their feelings were hurt by not getting their extra inch.  Thank goodness an appeal resulted in the award being thrown out, but unfortunately not all for the right reasons.  They didn’t reverse the decision because it was absurd and foolish, but because the lawyers rigged it so that they would get all the settlement money!  One judge actually said, “A class settlement that results in fees for the attorneys but no meaningful relief for the class is no better than a racket.”  At least he called a spade a spade.

            Granted there are some class actions that are justified.  Suing Justin Bieber for murdering Pop music is a no brainer, but many of these scams are simply the fodder for unscrupulous lawyers and greedy plaintiffs.  I believe we need legal reform just as vitally as we need insurance, medical, and tax reform.  

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Okay, so no one has really said that E cigarettes will make your mammaries melt, but just think what a deterrent that would be for your high school daughter if she thought that. I mean smoking may still be cool for them, but it will be a lot less cool if they are walking around like a prepubescent boy.

The reality is that E cigs are loaded with problems and not the panacea that some thought they were.  I can hear the advocates howling in my ear, “But E cigs will reduce the number of both kids and adults smoking real tobacco, and that’s a good thing.” Once they get down from their hypocritical high horse, they will see studies pouring in that show the presupposition was not true.  Numerous studies are appearing that actually say the opposite, that E Cigs are responsible for increased cancer stick use in some populations, especially younger kids. One commentator went as far to say that E cigs were like a gateway drug to Marlboros. 

Here’s a big red flag, big tobacco has a huge financial interest in E cigs.  Is it good business sense to invest in something that is supposed to hurt your other product line?  Of course not, and the executives at the cigarette companies knew this dirty little secret before the general public. David Railton, writing in Medical News Today states, “Samir Soneji — an associate professor at the Dartmouth Institute for Health Policy and Clinical Practice at Dartmouth College in Lebanon, NH — says that although the tobacco industry markets e-cigarettes as smoking cessation tools, relatively few e-cigarette users are able to quit smoking successfully. Rather, e-cigarette use may actually lead to people taking up smoking.”

E-cigarettes could lead to more than 1.5 million years of life lost because their use could substantially increase the number of adolescents and young adults who eventually become cigarette smokers."

Oops! We didn’t think the general public would figure this one out.

Even if you discount the idea that starting with E cigs, under the auspices that it is “safer”, doesn’t lead to more smoking, the little electronic smoke makers have some intrinsic problems on their own. A recent study reported by Medical News Today found that teenagers who had used e-cigarettes had three times the amount of toxic compounds in their bodies than teenagers who had never vaped.  Granted, these toxins may not cause cancer or make junior grow three eyes, but who wants additional toxins.  We get enough of those things from just breathing city air or baby sitting your chain smoking senile uncle.  

Apparently the little heating coils in the e cigs that make the smoke can also spew forth toxic metals and damage DNA.  I don’t know about you, but my DNA is about as damaged as it can tolerate and doesn’t appreciate filling my lungs with residue from miniature radiators. 

This is a no brainer…just don’t do it.  Don’t inhale any toxins into your lungs from tobacco, a heating coil, or Elmer’s Glue.

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I think I may have gotten two questions over the past 10 years about the female condom, and both had to do with whether it was real or a hoax.  I’ve had more people ask about Bigfoot than the female condom, so initially I was hesitant to devote a blog post to it, but I feel that women are very smart cookies and the more information they have the better decisions they make.  Therefore, as a public service akin to Nancy Reagan's war on drugs, I want to enlighten you about this interesting and largely effective mode of birth control.

I’m all about empowering women with choices for birth control, and the female condom is an example of a lessor known method. From experience in my medical practice I can say that this method is one of the least used, and statistics shore this up.  There are a number of reasons for this, some of it extends from ridiculously ineffective marketing to the expense, but regardless of the reasons, few women are using it.  Data indicates that this method of birth control is about 80% effective (about on par with the male condom), but already you can see a problem as most hormonal methods (pill, depo, etc) are quoted as being 98% effective.  That’s a big difference, and needless to say there are a lot of 20% babies out there.  However, 80% is better than nothing, as we all know that having sex once in the back of a pickup after prom will guarantee a pregnancy.

Let me back up a moment and briefly explain what the female condom is.  It is a non-latex sheath (mainly rubber) that is closed at one end (the end that fits inside the vajaja) and open at the other (otherwise sex would be a challenge). The opening has a ring that fits around the labia, thus providing a safe passage for Mr.WeeWee.  This essentially provides a protective covering isolating both genitals from any direct contact, kind of like the Bubble Boy from Seinfeld. This isolation chamber also gives the female condom its second benefit, that of preventing sexually transmitted diseases.  Once again it gives the woman some say so in her own protection by not having to rely on her partner.

I mentioned cost can be a deterrent to use.  Surveys indicate that the price for a single condom can range from $8 to $11.  They are also recommended for single use, so you can see how this might add up.  They don’t require a prescription so many who use the female condom order them from the Internet at a discount.  A word of caution, know your supplier.  Just because they are super cheap, I wouldn’t recommend ordering from the Republic of Ghana.  I just can’t vouch for their quality.

One advantage over the male condom is that the female condom can be placed up to 8 hours before sex.  This can raise a number of interesting questions, most of which I don’t want to get into, but just know that even if you place it long before the event, it should be removed in a timely fashion afterwards.  In spite of some discussion boards, the condoms should not be washed and reused.  I would say it would be a mood killer to open your girlfriend’s dishwasher to see a number of washed condoms splayed across the upper level shelf.  

If used properly, these devices are reasonable effective at both pregnancy and STD prevention.  

For additional information go to : https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/004002.htm.    

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There’s nothing I like writing about more than staying…regular.  That may be a reflection of my age (and my intellect) but suffice it to say, If your bowels are happy, every thing is happy.

With that somewhat ignoble introduction I want to present to you ten things you can consume that will keep the TP flowing off the shelves.

You really need to know one word when it comes to regularity, fiber.  I don’t mean you have to feast on cardboard (although that probably would do the trick), but almost any high fiber food will jump start the process.  For example, leafy green vegetables, celery, beans, broccoli and almonds.  Hey, why not start your day with a broccoli-almond smoothie. Yum-Yum.  

Prunes are the quintessential poop food.  Your great grandmother probably force  fed prunes to your grandfather, who in turn pumped prunes into your mother.  That explains a lot doesn’t it!  The reality is that the little dried plums give you both fiber and bowel stimulants in each delicious mouthful.

Continuing in the fruit vein, oranges can help “move” you. Again, they meet the fiber benchmark but also, like many fruits, contain a substance called naringenin, which sounds like a the name of a small Indian baby, but actually works as a laxative.

Here’s one that may surprise you, water.  All the fiber in the known universe will not help if you’re not drinking enough H2O.  Oh, and it will make you weewee also.  Just remember to drink one 8 oz glass with every prune and you will be home free.

I use flaxseeds to help with some menopausal symptoms in my patients, but they are also little powerhouses of fiber.  Think of them as multipurpose; kind of like the chief multi-tasker of the grain world.

Rice gets a bad rap for it’s glycemic index value (Google it) but why do you think there are so many jokes about Chinese takeout and diarrhea.  It’s not the soy sauce, my friend. Brown rice especially is good for the gut and keeps things flowing.

Popcorn, it turns out, is not just for movie buffs, but for toilet buffs also.  Ever wonder what Orville Redenbacher is doing when he is not making bad TV commercials, he’s in the toilet.

When Popeye wasn’t saving Olive Oil, he was visiting the ship’s head because all that spinach keep him on a tight schedule. Fiber rich and full of magnesium (i.e. Milk of Magnesia) this super food keeps you super regular.

Yogurt is not associated with fiber, but it does contain many natural bacteria that make your gut smile.  A natural probiotic, this stuff has a number of health benefits but avoid the sugar laden fruit flavored types.

And finally, my favorite, coffee.  Okay all you anal retentive types, I know this may not technically be a food, so get over it and go have another latte.  Coffee stimulates muscle contractions in the colon, which then helps you go to the bathroom. (Coffee has many other health benefits, too: it improves circulation, your memory, makes your workouts more effective, and is full of antioxidants…it’s a miracle drug!

Happy pooping!

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