Women's Wellness Blog

Have you ever heard the old saying, “A douche a day keeps the doctor away”? No. Neither have we because that was uttered by no-one , ever.

As part of my ongoing attempt to inform and entertain, what better topic to tackle than the All- American douche. In fact, douching is not a western construct as it has been around for a very long time. Ancient women across many cultures douched with honey, olive oil, or even wine in an effort to prevent pregnancy. It was common for medieval prostitutes to douche between clients, as venereal diseases were rampant. The only problem was that the water up the hoohoo trick didn’t accomplish either. In some respects, it seems logical that flushing out evil spirits would have a healthy outcome, but as we will see, logic never applies when there is a vagina involved.

Some researchers estimate that 20% of the female population uses a douche periodically. I think stipulating that it is the female population that this applies to is a bit overkill as any males trying to use this contraption may run into some technical problems. Today the douche is primarily a tool for “freshness”, kind of like Fabreeze, but historically it was thought of as primarily a contraceptive. Unfortunately, as we have stated, it was about as effective in this realm as squeezing a penny between your knees. Leave it to the French to design a beautiful apparatus (porcelain even) that allowed a vagina owner to pump fluid into the chasm in an ever so delicate manner. It was so popular that the Éguisier irrigator remained the staple of cultured women for 70 years.

This next part you may not believe, but it was on the Internet, so it has to be true. In the early 1900’s Lysol was popularized as the douche of choice. I don’t know who their marketing director was, but kudos for coming up with another magical use for the disinfectant. Unfortunately doctors reported 193 poisonings and 5 deaths from Lysol douching before 1911. Women routinely complained of vaginal burning and blisters, though lawsuits were overturned and reports covered up.

Never admitting fault, Lysol nonetheless changed its formula in 1952 to become a quarter as toxic as before. I can only imagine the late night lawyer infomercials. “Is your wawa on fire? Call me and get a check!” I also find it somewhat alarming that the corporate execs didn’t change the formula until the 1950’s. I’ll bet June Cleaver was a regular Lysol doucher.

So what’s a girl to do? The medically accepted view of douching (and mine as well) is just say no. Douching can alter the natural, healthy balance of bacteria and acidity in the vagina, which helps protect the body from infection. The vagina is self-cleaning, like your oven, so let it be free to do its thing.

If you are compelled to douche by some evil flushing demon, for goodness sakes don’t use a can of Lysol, but get a simple premixed solution of vinegar and water, but know that eating a cup of yogurt may actually do more good.

I normally don’t like to pull back the curtain, but sometimes, in the auspices of full disclosure, I feel compelled to take a closer look at myself.

This is not one of those times; however, I do want to tackle a touchy subject, that of medical mistakes. I realize that a doctor discussing this is like a mafioso talking about their bungled hit list, but since I would never dream of doing any of these things, I feel justified. Just realize that, like making sausage, sometimes it may be better off not knowing some things. Read on at your own risk and don’t, under any circumstances, forward this to any lawyers. Some might say that the whole topic of medical errors is a tempest in a teapot. I don’t really know what that means, but it actually is a significant problem. One recent study stated that 10% of deaths in the US are due to medical errors. That’s more than diabetes, smoking, or elevator music. Now I realize that all statistics are subject to bias and need to be contextual to be meaningful, but even if these numbers are wrong, it illustrates that there is something significant going on.

So what actually constitutes a medical error? Is using the wrong end of a stethoscope considered an error or is it more serious things like substituting Viagra for hair loss meds and having your hair stand on its end?

As you can imagine, the definition of error is about as clear as a politician’s conscience, so this immediately raises some red flags about how the data is collected. Obviously, there are some “errors” that have little consequence, such as taking a rectal temperature instead of an oral temperature, but others may be more impactful.

One of the biggest areas for mistakes is with medications. Probably the number one major error in hospitals are related to the timing or dosage of medications. This can arise from a variety of sources: poor communication, sloppy handwriting, stupid computer programs, or inexperienced personnel. It behooves you, if you are hospitalized, to ask each time you are given a medication what it is, what it does, and how often you are getting it. Don’t ask how much it costs or you may experience immediate heart failure. If you are unable to ask or unaware of your medications, simply inform the nurses that both your kids are attorneys and I promise they will take extra care in what they do.

One of the most innocent but frightening medical areas is in misdiagnosis. Every doctor, if they have been in practice for more than 6 mo has misdiagnosed an illness. It is just the nature of medical care that nothing is guaranteed or exact, as many illnesses initially mimic each other in their presentation. A cold, allergy, flu, bronchitis, pneumonia, or asthma may all look exactly the same in their initial symptoms. If I ordered a CT scan for every patient who had a headache, not only would I be practicing poor medicine but I would be paying for a radiologist's kid’s college. I hate like the devil to admit it, but doctors are human, sometimes, and mistakes will be made. Luckily most are very minor and of no consequence, and virtually all are unintentional. What can you as a patient do to help prevent medical errors? Here is a list to peruse:

1. Make sure that all of your doctors know about every medicine you are taking.This includes prescription and over-the-counter medicines and dietary supplements, such as vitamins and herbs.

2. Make sure your doctor knows about any allergies and adverse reactions you have had to medicines.

3. When your doctor writes a prescription for you, make sure you can read it.If you cannot read your doctor's handwriting, your pharmacist might not be able to either.

4. When you pick up your medicine from the pharmacy, ask: Is this the medicine that my doctor prescribed?

5. If you are in a hospital, consider asking all health care workers who will touch you whether they have washed their hands.

6. If you are having surgery, make sure that you, your doctor, and your surgeon all agree on exactly what will be done.

7. If you have a choice, choose a hospital where many patients have had the procedure or surgery you need.

8. Ask a family member or friend to go to appointments with you.Even if you do not need help now, you might need it later.

9. If you have a test, do not assume that no news is good news.Ask how and when you will get the results.

10. Learn about your condition and treatments by asking your doctor and nurse and by using other reliable sources.

For additional suggestions go to https://www.ahrq.gov/patients-consumers/care-planning/errors/20tips/index.html

The modern world is an amazing place to live. I mean, we have 24-hour reruns of Murder She Wrote, Microwave popcorn, and deodorant for our feet! Today’s world is filled with all kinds of technological advances that promise to make our lives easier, yet far too many of us succumb to stress and illnesses associated with that stress. Perhaps it's because all of this technology is constantly bombarding and distracting us so we never get a chance to truly relax, and end up feeling overwhelmed instead. Or, perhaps we are just 12-year-old kids in an aged body who forgot that they can’t play Call of Duty 8 hours a day. But worrying about stress only makes the problem worse, but the good news is that there are several ways to relieve stress. (and no…none of them involve Xanax)

Some people want to know if hobbies relieve stress. The short answer is yes unless your hobby is running a Meth lab in Tacoma. The truth is that choosing the wrong hobby can only make you more stressed than if you didn't have one in the first place. Here are some things you should consider before deciding on a hobby that's a good match for you: 1. The best hobbies are those that will help you not think about the obligations and responsibilities you have in your life, at least for a while. In other words, veg out! After all, picking a hobby that only makes you more tense isn't going to be all that effective. For example, a lot of people like to golf as their hobby. Now, this may be fine for some, but if you're too competitive, then what would be a leisurely game of golf for others will turn into a stressful situation for you if you are down by a few strokes. Also, if you tend to have anger management problems, you may consider avoiding sand traps. Furthermore, golf tends to be a bit expensive, (especially if you only play Trump courses) so if money problems are causing stress in your life, then an expensive hobby doesn't make a lot of sense. 2. Find a hobby that you can enjoy from beginning to end. Going back to golf for a moment, it has the advantage of being pleasurable from the first hole until the last (assuming you don’t lose all your balls on the lake hole). Something like gardening can be a good choice, too. It gets you outside just about every day, and you can enjoy your hobby, then when it comes time to harvest, you can also enjoy all of the fruits of your labor. Remember, in the right state, there is a lot of money to be made in marijuana. 3. Moving beyond the norm is a great stress reliever for a lot of people. The very act of learning something new forces you to focus on it, and that means your focus is not on the things that are causing you stress. There is also the added benefit of enriching your life in some way, which can actually help you cope with stress even when you're not engaged in your hobby. For example, if you are a nurse, you might consider learning about collecting gnomes instead of collecting bedpans. So, the answer to the question "do hobbies relieve stress?" is "yes, so long as you choose the right ones." The cool thing is that there are so many different hobbies out there, that there is sure to be a few that are a good match for you.

My kids call me the “Health Nazi.” While being compared to a war criminal may be a bit extreme, I understand their frustration with a dad who is constantly preaching “Do this, Not that”. It’s easy to fall into an annoying mantra of dictated behaviors when you are so engrossed in promoting a healthy lifestyle, so sometimes you have to take a baby step back and examine exactly what you so passionately preach.

While being introspective and self-critical is harder for me than getting a politician to cut taxes, nevertheless I have winnowed out several supposed healthy practices that I have harped on in the past which now appear either completely useless or downright ignorant.
1) Eating low fat. I have had to eat low-fat crow on this one for the past few years. I landed squarely in this camp, like many of you, based on the propaganda masquerading as education. Ever since the notorious Seven Country Study by Ancel Keys in the 50’s, we had been indoctrinated to believe that fat consumption led to weight gain, heart disease, and bad breath. The reality is that certain types of fat are worse for you than others, but sugar is the real baddie. An eight-year trial involving almost 50,000 women, roughly half of whom went on a low-fat diet, found that those on the low-fat plan didn't lower their risk of breast cancer, colorectal cancer, or heart disease. Plus, they didn't lose much weight. If you have to watch anything dietarily, watch the carbs!

2) Going gluten free. This movement has all the makings of a cult. Unless you're among the 1% of Americans who suffer from celiac disease, gluten probably won't have a negative effect on you. I know this is heresy, but the science doesn’t lie. Most folks have no issue with gluten and avoiding all the products that contain gluten can leave you with an unbalanced diet. The no gluten fanatics are about as rabid as Tom Cruise Scientology lovers, so I probably will have to hire a bodyguard after this is published, but go ahead and enjoy your wheat!

3) Juicing…anything. A few years back anyone staying up past midnight was lambasted by an infomercial touting a device that would “juice” anything from an orange to a turkey leg. Is was if pulverizing something in a blender magically endowed it with miraculous health benefits. What it really did was make it suitable for babies and old dudes with no teeth, and that’s about it. When you juice fresh fruits and veggies, you remove all of their fiber, the key ingredient that keeps you feeling full and satisfied until your next meal. What you keep is the sugar. In the short term, a high-sugar, low-protein diet means constant hunger pangs, mood swings, and low energy. So essentially when you juice you take out all the good stuff and leave the crap…that sounds healthy, right?

4) Using hand sanitizer. It was time to jump out of the nutritional world and into the world of germs. So you think that slathering on the hand sanitizer will ward off the plague, viruses, and boring small talk? Nope, it will just make your hands sticky. If you wash your hands regularly throughout the day, hand sanitizer is almost entirely unnecessary. Plus, it can't kill all the germs that plain old soap and water can. Surprise! Now, if you find yourself in the jungles of Kenya where clean running water is as rare as cellulite on a supermodel, hand sanitizer may have a place, but not so much in suburban America.

5) “Detoxing” anything. This is one of those terms like “natural” that can mean anything to anybody. In most cases, it is a marketing buzzword that sounds good but means little. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be rid of toxins? No one needs to detox. Unless you've been poisoned, you already have a super efficient system for filtering out most of the harmful substances you eat. It's made up of two toxin-bashing organs: the liver and the kidneys. The liver spends its entire lifetime getting rid of the bad junk we ingest, much better than a colonic or sweat lodge, while the kidneys spit out bad mojo in your weewee with amazing efficiency.

This is a touchy subject, filled with the potential for multitudes of infantile references and innuendo, so naturally I embraced discussing it. Realistically, I decided to blog on this subject because of the torrent of both young and old patients who have recently contacted an STD and were baffled as to where it came from. And these are not uninformed, naive college freshmen, these are mature, professional women who just didn’t understand the new reality of the dating world. Most of this is directed at the single female, as the married female or one in a monogamous relationship have generally far fewer concerns. So here is a quick primer on what to look for and what to avoid. First, understand that the more contact a guy has had the more likely he is to carry some unwanted baggage. This may apply to his psychological makeup as well as his hygiene. In this age of Internet hook ups and casual encounters, unless you have a certificate from their doctor, it’s safe to say that their likelihood of having something is directly proportionate to the number of hits on their Tinder profile. I realize that I am making some major generalizations here, but the reality is that no longer are STDs just something you can take a drug and get rid of…some can kill you. Take HPV for example. Human Papilloma Virus is as prevalent as nerds at a math camp. This virus is largely responsible for pre cancerous and cancerous changes in the cervix, so much so that many organizations recommend doing away with the Pap smear and simply testing for HPV. The problem is that there is no effective treatment for the virus. You simply have to let your body’s immune system act like little Pac Men and chew up the offending critters. Luckily most women will clear the little buggers from their system, however, as long as they are present they can cause these abnormal changes. Unfortunately, many men have no idea that they are transmitters of HPV. Some do get attractive genital warts, which is a great reason to avoid contact if he happens to announce at dinner that he has more warts than a witch’s nose. What about the magic sheepskins you may ask, and I am not talking about a diploma. Condoms can reduce the incidence of HPV spread, along with other things, but nothing is perfect. The only proven prevention is abstention, and I don’t think I have to tell anybody that that is about as popular as leprosy. Another “tool” of destruction is our friend herpes. If I guy tells you he had this once but it is gone now, run don’t walk to the nearest exit. Once you have this virus, unlike HPV, you always have it. You may not have outbreaks but every leap year, but rest assured it is there and can potentially be spread. I suspect there are some folks out there that sincerely believe that they have been “cured” but just trust me, I’m a doctor, they haven’t. Most of the time a guy can spread the joy only when he has an active ulcer, but he can be what is known as an asymptomatic shedder (great band name) meaning if you do it, you can get it. In a perfect world there would be no STDs, no elevator music, and no under cooked chicken, but this is not a perfect world. Be smart, be careful, and be protected.

So you're sitting on your couch one lazy evening watching Game of Thrones reruns and your wife/girlfriend/significant other/not so significant other/ casual acquaintance, suddenly bursts into tears.
Your proper response is:

A) start crying with her to show your sensitive side
B) run to the bathroom to see if you have any extra Xanax
C) change the channel to something less intense like The Property Brothers or
D) In your head go through all the stupid things you have said over the past few hours to see if that may be what is bothering her. This is actually a trick question because the proper response is to do nothing other than offer a hug and a Kleenex. Welcome to the world of hormones.

I don’t want to patronize or minimize the hormonal hurricanes that some women experience (Katrina was a rain shower in comparison) so as a medical professional and a guy, I can say that these fluctuations are real, chemically based, and to be respected. Most guys have the understanding of a tree frog when it comes to women’s physiology so it’s not incomprehensible that they don’t appreciate the nuances of serotonin and estrogen. Here’s my attempt to educate, enlighten, and potentially prevent relationship meltdown for dudes in dealing with PMS.

First, PMS does not stand for Punishing Men Slowly nor Potential Murder Suspect, it is Premenstrual Syndrome. Let’s break that down. The Pre part means before, like prepubertal where most guys are in their mental development. So this illustrates a salient point about PMS, it occurs at a very specific time of the cycle, that is generally the two weeks before the period. If a woman has PMS symptoms all the time it may be due to other conditions, or that she just hates you. The second term, menstrual, is a topic most guys just love talking about. Get over it. Just be thankful that you don’t bloat, ooze body secretions, and get sore nipples every month.

Importantly, however, is that these changes have to be linked to the menses for it to be true PMS. It is not wise to make snide comments about “that time of the cycle” unless you want and deservedly get a stiletto boot up your butt. Finally, the word syndrome is important as it clarifies that this is a spectrum of symptoms and not just moods and emotions. We understand that it is hard for most guys to grasp the concept that more than one thing can happen at a time (“You mean I have to watch TV and answer the phone?”), but most women with PMS will have a range of symptoms.

So what is the best way for a guy to react if a woman he loves is dealing with PMS symptoms? First, make yourself transparent. That is not to say be open and honest, literally be unseen, disappear, get lost. You will likely just aggravate her more by being around and you are a convenient target for pots, pans, Molotov cocktails, and anything else she can throw at you. Not that you probably don’t deserve that, but it saves on medical bills. If you are the understanding and sensitive type, you may be okay to stay, just don’t try to do anything other than be understanding and sensitive. Don’t patronize, try to fix things, or use this time to expand your action figure collection.

Treat your lady friend/spouse/cubicle partner/mother of your children with respect during these fluctuations. This is not a time to make fun of or minimize her discomfort. She knows she doesn’t feel well or is not at the top of her game. She doesn’t need your probing insight to tell her that she has cankles and terminal bloating.

Provide support and understanding that is genuine. Sometimes listening and not fixing is the best you can do. This is a real, physiological disorder that is no fun for the one you care about the most, so your demeanor and understanding should reflect this.

This is not to imply that all women have PMS or that all mood changes are PMS related. Guys, never assume that just because you don’t understand why your wife/girlfriend/neighbor acts a certain way that it’s hormones. Most of the time it’s simply that you are a turd and have done something disrespectful.

The bottom line for dudes is to recognize PMS is real, temporary, and lethal if you don’t respect it.

Life is full of moments. In fact, the reality is that moments are all there are…a series of never repeated fragments pasted together into a tapestry that is who you are. Okay, I realize that sounds like I just took a puff of a funny cigarette, so let me come back down to earth a bit. It is in those moments that change happens. When we talk about our health, or anything else for that matter, it’s largely about change. Our bodies change, much to our chagrin most of the time. Aging is nothing but change. The joy is in the realization that we can control some of the things that change. And that’s where the moments come in again.

Change happens in two stages. The first is in the decision to change and the second is in the implementation of change. Let’s say you want to lose weight. The choice to lose weight comes in a moment. You simply decide it’s a good thing. There are millions of reasons you may decide that, but at some point, those have to coalesce into the idea of change, and that is the moment it happens. In the real world that is the easy part. That is the moment that is necessary, but if orphaned will blow away like a tumbleweed.

The follow through is the hard part. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. How many times has each of us had a brilliant moment only to find it choked out of existence by procrastination, laziness, confusion, or lack of clarity.

Take weight loss again. You make the decision but it hits the wall like a marathoner at mile 21. Here’s a bit of advice as to how to bust through that wall. Be accountable. Tell someone, anyone, everyone, about your moment, whether it’s weight loss or changing jobs, or proposing, or taking out the garbage. Let the world know. That one step can motivate you to follow through almost more than anything else. The desire to change has to be intrinsic (internally driven) but the follow-through can be extrinsic (externally driven).

Ideally, tell someone who will care. If they care, they will cajole, badger, applaud or even join you in your change moment. We are social creatures, yes even you introverts like me occasionally need the input of fellow humans. Change is hard, and we need to use all the resources available to facilitate persistent change. Whatever your moment, realize that you can accomplish the unthinkable, move the immobile, dream the unlikely, or change the unchangeable. It all happens in a moment

Most normal people think that running a marathon is bizarre. Imagine what they thought if they tuned in this past Monday and saw 30,000 people running the Boston Marathon in the worst weather since the Mesozoic Ice Age.

The Boston Marathon is the Super Bowl, the World Series, the Olympics…well, you get the point, of marathon running. Thousands of young Ethiopians wake up every morning hoping to one day get that call from the Boston Athletic Association inviting them to compete against the best in the world. Those who got the call this year, regardless of their country of origin, will go back with a story for the ages. It won’t be how they out kicked their countryman for a photo finish, but how God in all Her fury released a torrential downpour of Noah-like proportions upon the scantily clad harriers lined up in Hopkinton, Mass..

This April 16th will be remembered as the marathon you could barely see on TV because the rain was so torrential and the wind was blowing flags upside down. These crazed runners faced head winds, side winds, back winds, winds that blew up their nether regions, and winds that were colder than Hillary after she lost the election. Luckily I was watching the live stream and not trying to swim upstream on the course this year as even a hard core loony tune like me didn’t want to cross the finish on Boylston St. on this day.

And what a day it was. Desi Linden, the first American female to win in 33 years, kicked butt from Framingham to downtown Boston with a show of guts tantamount to old Teddy Roosevelt lurching up San Juan Hill. She was invincible in spite of temperatures in the thirties, monsoon rain, and a contingent of Ethiopians and Kenyans all gunning for the title. In fact, the U.S.of A. put on a show that would’ve made even Donald J. Trump proud taking seven of the top ten female spots. That’s like the Jamaican bobsled team winning four consecutive Olympic golds. What was also great was that nobody had heard of the other US women who placed, even the second pace winner Sarah Sellers. You may be saying, “Sarah who?” You wouldn’t be alone because when she crossed the finish line Monday about 5000 journalists around the world were frantically Googling her name. The elements made the African contingent a non factor and allowed talent, pain, persistence, and hutzpah to reign.

On the men’s side, a Japanese runner by the distinctly Japanese sounding name of Yuki Kawauchi took the win, followed by — get this — six American men in the top ten! The last time that happened was…never! If this is the trend, I think all future marathons should be run in tornados or blizzards so the Americans can dominate.

The real story for me lies in the determination of the other 29,975 runners who, having no chance to win, braved apocalyptic conditions to complete their dream. The back story for these folks is equally amazing. I have been fortunate to run Boston five times, so I know what they endured even before the race. Remember, it was cold (39 at race start) and a persistent torrential downpour and most of the rank and file had to be bussed in four hours before the start. You amass on the playground and ball fields of Hopkinton High and Middle school, with nary a shelter. The B.A.A. places a tent in the middle of the field, generally to provide shade from the normal heat, but even if everybody was inappropriately touching everyone else, if would only fit maybe a couple of thousand. The rest of the hoard is exposed to the elements, regardless of what that consists of. I have been frozen, sweaty, and comfortable depending on the year, but nothing like I imagine it was last Monday.

So here’s to both champions and chumps, the elite and the elated, my hat goes off to all those who finished the 130 running of the Boston Marathon. Like the Jews are fond of saying, “Next year Jerusalem,” well, I say maybe “Next year Boston.” But then again, I’m old and crotchety so maybe I’ll just run in warm Boca Raton.

I suspect that you realize this is a rhetorical question as I am not in possession of a uterus myself. I guess I could have titled this, “If I exercise, would my scrotum burst?” but I don’t think it would have the same impact.

Back in the Victorian age, when men were men and women were objectified, patronized and ignored there was a prevailing belief that vigorous exercise on the part of the fairer sex would result in terrible physical maladies. This largely led to ivory skin (they never went outside without a parasol), 65% body fat, and vitamin D deficient females who were really good at drinking tea and embroidery. I suspect this misappropriation of energy was largely due to the misogynistic belief that women were incapable of vigorous activity and for them to perspire was tantamount to social isolation. In reality, it was probably related to sex in some fashion, as most everything was. Those poor women who did suffer from uterine prolapse (most likely from having 10 children) could no longer satisfy their Cro-Magnon companion, so they had to come up with a theory as to why. Obviously, it was the “wandering uterus” (hysteria for those Latin scholars) that was to blame, and anything that made you bounce (i.e. exercise) was an obvious culprit.

That reminds me of an interesting aside. The term hysteria today means an uncontrollable emotion or excitement. It is derived from the Latin word for womb (see above). There was a general belief by old white men like Plato (pay close attention, you will start to see a pattern here) that many of a woman’s ills, ranging from physical diseases to mental conditions were due to the uterus literally migrating around the body, the wandering uterus, as it was. To quote a modern paraphrase of an ancient medical text, “The uterus could move upwards, downwards, left or right. It could even collide with the liver or spleen. Depending on its direction, a wandering womb could cause all kinds of hell. One that traveled upwards might cause sluggishness, lack of strength, and vertigo in a patient; while a womb that moved downwards could cause a person to feel as if she were choking. So worrisome was the prospect of a wandering womb during this period, that some women wore amulets to protect themselves against it.” That was the modern medicine of ancient times.

So this hysterical womb has figured as a prominent facilitator of a variety of problems through the ages, so it’s not surprising that many old white men thought, well into the mid 20th century, that vigorous exercise, like distance running, would result in the uterus hitting the pavement at about mile 20. Granted, if you did 50 squats a day with 100-pound weights, you might initiate some organ laxity, but even then, your womb will not stick out of your vajaja. Believe it or not, in our enlightened modern age, some old white men didn’t even let women run marathons in the Olympics until 1984. They felt that they were doing women a favor by not allowing them to train for such an event because surly the highways and byways of the country would be littered with dropped uteruses if they did so.

Needless to say, Joan Benoit Samuelson, the winner of the first women’s Olympic Marathon, still has all her parts, as far as I know, so it became clear to most old white guys that their apprehension of women and extensive training was bunk. Today, in fact, some of the best ultramarathoners (those masochistic souls who run 100 or so miles at a time) are women, and I have yet to see any YouTube videos of ultramarathoners resting at a water stop, refueling and dropping off their uterus.

There is no reason a woman should fear physical damage from vigorous training as long as they are doing it wisely. Chances are they will quickly surpass most old white guys in both physical prowess and mental capability.

I stepped off the bus apprehensive about the scene unfolding in front of me. The Infirmary or “Home for the Poor” as it was otherwise known, was a collection of dilapidated barracks housing abandoned physically and mentally ill men and women who were deemed to have no value to either family or society. The Infirmary was located on a purposefully isolated knoll in coastal Jamaica symbolically situated to reinforce their desire to forget its existence. The contrast surrounding its physical location was as stark as the dichotomy of the island itself. A lush forest populated with exotic fruit trees and bathed in rainbow colored foliage surrounded the ramshackle open aired barracks originally commissioned by Queen Victoria in 1898. On an island where five star luxury resorts share the same zip code as cockroach infested hovels, the mocking beauty of the surrounding forest was in contradistinction to the decaying dormitory of the forgotten.

We were greeted gleefully (and a bit unexpectedly) at the door of the men’s quarters by a thirtyish Jamaican, physically mature but with the mind of a child. Richard had a toothless smile the size of the island itself as he exclaimed, “Oh boy, they’re here! Oh boy, they’re here!” in raid fire succession. His repetitive phrases were sincere and he instantly touched our hearts and calmed some of our apprehensions. We came to learn that Richard had been housed at the Infirmary all of his adult life, and his apparent inability to understand the destitution of his surroundings was counted as a blessing.

Entering the first cinder block building I was struck by numerous sensations all vying for attention. Visually the scene was disturbing: cot after cot of ancient bodies positioned as if trapped in their bed by some invisible barrier. The distinctive odor, one I had come to associate with hopelessness, was a mixture of urine, putrid food, and stale, unmoving air, and it covered the room like an unseen fog.

Our small band of church mission workers spent an hour in the Infirmary talking, praying, bathing and cleaning our hosts. Soon, we loaded up a few of the less ill and mobile onto our bus and made the short trip to the Jamaican beachfront frequented by the locals. There were no hotels, Tiki bars, or swimming pools, just a few kids and adults enjoying a respite from the oppressive heat. Those who were ambulatory walked arm in arm with their chaperone to the shoreline, while others were carried fireman style to the water. We sat in the cool, shallow waters of the Caribbean and spent the next few minutes rubbing soft sand on the resident’s life-weary skin, all the while hoping that they might forget for just a moment that they had to return to their reality.

Earlier in the day, I had observed a skeleton-thin, talkative gentleman pacing to and fro among the cots greeting other residents all the while holding up an obviously grossly oversized pair of trousers. As I sat in the gentle cleansing waves with Zebe, the owner of the XXL pants, I asked him if he could have anything in the world - anything at all - what would he ask for? He took the question quite seriously and pondered it briefly then looked me in the eye and in his most thoughtful voice exclaimed, “A belt. Yes, I would very much like a belt!”

This is a time of year when we invoke thankfulness in an almost nonchalant fashion. I have to remind myself to punch through the complacency of abundance and rethink what it means to be thankful. We are bombarded with admonitions to be thankful for a free country, good health, and material comforts. All of these things are grand and worthy of thanks; however, thinking of Zebe reminds me that the things that I see as worthy of thanks are largely due to my perspective.

Regardless of circumstances, I can choose to be thankful. Tethering my appreciation only to objects or accomplishments is a set up for disappointment as those things may not always be present; however, if my basis for thankfulness is rooted in my ability to choose, then no circumstance can dissuade me. Choosing to be thankful for your good health (and your ability to change it if you are not satisfied) leads to joy, peace of mind, and goodwill.

I see the world through my own lens. In other words, where you are in the world, physically, emotionally and spiritually, colors how you understand thankfulness. If I had cancer, I would be very thankful for the anti-nausea medicine that follows the powerful chemotherapy; whereas, such medicine would not enter my thoughts otherwise. If I have all my worldly possessions stashed under a six by three foot cot, I am thankful for a belt. It is a matter of perspective.

Let us celebrate this season of thankfulness with an understanding and appreciation of our choices, and hopefully, this will lead us to action that will translate into healthy blessings for ourselves and others.

One of those consequences of excess cortisol is it turns on the fat storing enzymes and turns off the fat burning enzymes. The result is an accumulation of body blubber. As if this storage of body fat wasn’t bad enough, the fat that sticks tends to be belly fat. A significant amount of this is known as visceral fat, or the fat around the internal organs. You might be asking, “Who cares if there is fat around my spleen, I just want to look good in my bikini.” Unfortunately it is this type of fat that increases your risk of heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and cravings for Oreo Blizzards. Cortisol can also throw your blood sugars in a tizzy, which, in turn, can spike insulin.

Normally this is a good thing, normalizing sugars and all, but too much insulin can also favor fat storage. Adrenaline also pours into the body when we are stressed creating feelings of anxiety and nervousness. And what do many of us do when we feel anxious? Hide the doughnuts and Ding Dongs because when your stressed you”re “hangry” and not a speck of junk food is safe. I don’t have to tell you that most of that type of food is hermetically sealed to your thighs once ingested. When we are chronically stressed, (i.e. parenthood) we crave “comfort foods,” such as a bag of Cheesy Puffs or a tub of Rocky Road ice cream. These foods tend to be easy to find, highly processed, and high in fat, sugar, or salt. They also tend to be fatalicious on your bootylicious.

So you can see, stress can be a big player in the battle of the bulge and bailing your teenager out of the poky for sassing a police officer can definitely qualify as stressful. So next time your prepubescent germ carrier tells you that you are overweight, simple remind them it is their fault and then smack them with the cotton candy you were eating.

Since the dawn of time, humans have been obsessed with sex. I suspect it is a good thing as species propagation is somewhat a necessary function, yet the biological functionality and the sensual reality often get blurred. Putting aside the drive to procreate, the desire for sexual intimacy is about as complex as Neal deGrasse Tyson’s brain. For centuries man, and yes…it has been mostly men, have searched for the ultimate sex toy…a real aphrodisiac. The holy grail of sexuality is a substance, ingredient, activity, or state of mind that would enhance a dampened sexual desire, or recreate one that has been long lost. If you could find and patent such a substance you would have the bucks of Bill Gates and the legacy of Masters and Johnson.

Throughout history, most aphrodisiacs were limited to food and possibly herbs. I guess since there was no electricity our ancient experimenters couldn’t get too creative. Some ancient lust enhancers were oysters, skink flesh, and sparrow brains. It’s not hard to see why oysters may have caught on since the other two don’t sound particularly appealing. “Excuse me a moment my dear while I chug down this sparrow brain.” Just doesn’t do it for me. That crazy Greek physician Galen listed a number of foods in his writings as possible aphrodisiacs including carrots, asparagus, anise, mustard, nettles, and sweet peas. I really think he was just trying to make a market for his vegetable garden.

The reasons these substances were thought of as desire deepeners were just as entertaining as the substances themselves. The oyster was thought to be potent, not due to a double blind placebo controlled study, but because it resembled the female genitalia. As a professional Gyn I beg to differ, but that’s just my opinion.

The Mandrake root was labeled as effective for libido and fertility because its shape resembled a woman’s thighs. Here is a tip for you, don’t ever compare your wife’s thighs to a Mandrake root. Look it up. Those things define ugly.

Saint Thomas Aquinas, who I wouldn’t have thought would write about this topic, but did, spoke of meat and wine as enhancing hanky panky. I can definitely see the wine, but I never thought a lamb chop would put me in the mood.

The fabled Spanish Fly is a real substance derived from blister beetles. The main ingredient, cantharidin, can irritate genital tissue and for some reason, some Spanish bozo thought it would be a good aphrodisiac. The only problem is that it doesn’t work and too much can cause renal failure and GI bleeding. How’s that for dampening the mood!

The bottom line is that there are no foodstuffs that consistently get you in the mood and have been proven to be effective in decent clinical trials. There are some medications that can address desire issue and sexual dysfunction, but I will save that for another day.

Clinical studies have proven that the best modern day aphrodisiac is a candle, Barry White, and chilled Chardonnay, and it also helps if you are a nice person and love and respect your partner.

A lot of things can make you fat. Twinkies, Ding Dongs, ethnic mothers who insist on you eating everything and more, and even hanging out with other fat folks, but there are a few
things that can put on the pounds that may be hidden from your conscious mind, much like that weird dream about going to school naked. These surprising yet amazingly common practices can literally be the difference between looking good in a thong or making yoga pants a staple of your wardrobe.

First, and possibly most surprising is that you may not be sleeping enough. This seems counterintuitive, like black lipstick, because you would naturally think that staying awake and doing stuff burns energy, but you would be wrong. Quality sleep is key to maintaining a healthy weight, so says really smart people like the National Sleep Foundation (no, this isn’t a plug for “My Pillow”). Studies from places like the NIH and Harvard (that Yankee school full

of smart snobs) indicate that too little sleep causes a change in your hormones (drat those hormones!) that turn on the fat conserving enzymes and turn off the fat-burning enzymes. It seems that around 7-8 hours of quality sleep a night is ideal for promoting weight management, but this is only an estimate. Each person’s hormonal control is a bit different (tell me about it!) and it also seems to vary by age.

Bottom line, you snooze, you lose…literally. Next, if you're stressed like a hooker at a police convention, you might have trouble losing weight. Stress, in any form, can create an internal, physiological environment that makes you convert that barbecue pork to ham hocks on your thighs. It’s somewhat of a conundrum as gaining weight can stress you out, which in turns makes you gain more weight.

In fact, if I see one more commercial with Marie Osmond talking about how she lost weight by drinking some nasty shake, I’ll be so stressed I might pop some buttons on my drawers. Stress makes you secrete cortisol which in turn triggers pathways that lead to added weight, especially around your belly. All I can say is Rosie O’Donnell must be really stressed! The simple answer is to not be stressed, and if you think that is simple I know a Nigerian Prince who has some emails you need to read.

In this day of a pill for every ailment, it’s not surprising that many medicines can propagate portliness. A classic example is steroids for infections and other maladies. Taking a Medrol dose pack over a few days for a sinus infection won’t create havoc with your weight, but chronic use, like in arthritis, can put a pooch in your paunch. Some other medicines that can potentially do this are insulin, antidepressants, anticonvulsants, and even some blood pressure medicines.

Some would include marijuana in this group, largely because of the munchies. The real rub is that most folks aren’t just taking these meds for the fun of it, they have a problem that needs attention, kind of like Uncle Ned and online porn, but occasionally you can find other medicines in the same class that don’t have as many negative side effects.

As always, consult your doctor, if you can find him, before making any changes.
that needs attention, kind of like Uncle Ned and online porn, but occasionally you can find other medicines in the same class that don’t have as many negative side effects. As always, consult your doctor, if you can find him, before making any changes. The National Institute for Environmental Health Sciences (I’m not kidding, there really is such a thing) recently published a paper on “Obesogens".

These are substances (i.e. chemicals) in the environment that can contribute to obesity. At first, I was a bit skeptical, given the whole conspiracy theory thing, but in truth, the studies support that certain pollutants, like Kenny G albums, can make you fat. For example, cigarette smoke, some pesticides, and Bisphenol A (in plastics) can trigger cellular changes that alter normal fat regulating enzymes. This leads one to speculate that you should never smoke while crop-dusting your broccoli crop after drinking from your plastic water bottle. In fairness to the pesticide fan club members, I suspect the impact of all these things is minor compared to other influences. So, brave weight watchers, sleep soundly, chill out, don’t smoke, and avoid medicines and you may be well on your way to a healthy weight…or a nervous breakdown.

(Note to all who suffer with PMS: remember, a good sense of humor may be a tool for coping)

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Ron Eaker

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